eventually, it all comes to an end

happy holidays everyone! I am so sorry I have been a blogging slacker! Life comes at you so fast and I am finally able to jump in with both feet and no regrets! I had a wonderful thanksgiving, surrounded by amazing family and friends. Mitch and kurtis came over and played geetar with me and ericka, and I felt so blessed to be surrounded by great people. After thanksgiving, I have kept myself very busy with last minute xmas shopping, work, and the occasional night out to the bar. I have met some amazing people recently, and am so glad I have been able to continue surrounding myself with positive energy and good people. Christmas came so quickly I cannot believe it is already over. It is the first christmas since high school without Reagan, and I thought it was going to be kind of hard. Thankfully, I have been blessed with such an amazing family, and tons of wonderful friends, so I felt only happiness this holiday season. :) my parents are such amazing souls. Like most other families, this year has been a hard one for them, and they are trying their best just to stay afloat. That's why this xmas all I wanted was to be with them. After me intruding on them last august with my unexpected move in, I feel like they have done more than enough for me. In passing, I did mention that someday soon there are two things I want to get for myself. 1 being a new guitar, since I have picked that hobby back up and I am really loving it. And 2 being a bicycle, because I want to exercise more and be a little kid at the same time. Well to my surprise, my parents seriously spoiled me rotten and got me both! The most adorable sea foam green and brown beach cruiser, and a gorgeous left handed acoustic guitar. It has been many years since I have truly cried out of pure joy, and I feel bad for that, but christmas morning, that all changed. I couldn't hold back the tears. I feel so blessed and happy to be back to myself again, and to have such a loving family by my side. And through all my thank yous to them, all they could say was "we are just so glad you are back baby. We missed you" words truly cannot express how much i love my family. And at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with the gifts. The fact that I woke up to a loving family and friends on christmas morning truly meant the world to me. :) the rest of the day was very mellow. Breakfast at grandmas, a nap on the living room floor, drinks with Mitch at kurtis and a late night trip to dennys. All in all, it has been an amazing holiday season. Now as the new year quickly approaches, I cannot tell you how excited i am for a fresh start. 2011 is gonna be amazing, I know it. :)

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at work

I arrived to work over an hour early today because ksl tells me that the storm of the century is right around the corner, and call me crazy but i do not want to drive in that. :) this blog is going to serve mostly as an update on life. i dont have anything to rant or rave about currently. life is just good. :) this past week or so i have been spending a lot of time with my friends and my family. my older sister has some very excited and fun news, but bloggers, i will let her tell you the details. I went and saw harry potter on friday with my family, ericka, and mr. jason russon. I had tons of fun other than jason falling asleep on my arm! but i love the boy so it was okay. ;) work is going awesome. My manager is the coolest guy ever, and he has almost as many tattoos as i do. we share in a lot of laughs and i can tell that we are gonna have a pretty awesome relationship! I have been spending a lot of time with erickas son ty, who has officially stolen my heart. I love that boy so much! christmas is coming and I am 90% done with all my christmas shopping, which is great. i feel like i have been a very productive human today! I donated thousands of clothes for a clothing drive this season, with the help of my awesome friend cassie pursell. that girl really goes all out when she sets her mind to something! thanks so much for all the help cass! as for me, i dont have my mind set on anything right now. I am taking things one day at a time, and having so much fun doing it! I love my job more than words can express, i am still staying strong *for the most part* to my diet and exercise routine. I finally get up and eat a healthy breakfast in the morning, which my personal trainer is very proud of. I am single, and not looking. I have so many awesome guy friends in my life right now, and i think i definitely need to keep it that way for a while. some people think im crazy for not dating, because i will be "alone on the holidays" but that statement is incredibly false. I have some many awesome loved ones that I will be with this holiday season. a wonderful family, amazing friends, and tons and tons of people who i love. i am such a happy girl readers. after living for two years thinking i needed someone to make me happy, i realized that the only person i need is myself. I finally have myself back. the real me. and I couldnt be happier.

daylight savings time

I figure since the clocks have decided to provide me with an extra hour on this fine evening, it is best that i use it in a productive manor! so, I write. life has been crazy busy lately so if by some off chance I have followers on this blog, I am sorry it has taken so long for me to write. I have established employment at 1-800 contacts in draper Utah, and it is an amazing job. they treat me so well there. employees really do get spoiled rotten and I feel so blessed to be given an opportunity to work for them. on top of an awesome job, they have also provided me with a gym to use and free personal training and nutrition guidence. I am strickly following a diet and work out routine and I am so excited to see the changes I can make! I have already started xmas shopping which makes me feel really productive considering I usually wait until december 20th to do that. I figured with only 3 more paychecks until xmas, its smart to get going now. I am also cleaning up my credit more and more everyday. working with some really helpful people and getting my life back on track. I feel amazing, readers. I am so pleased with where life is taking me and I know that I am finally back to being myself! no more negative influences in my life. I am surrounded by so much positivity lately that I can do no wrong! I have also started paying very close attention to my horoscope, which is helping to guide me through lifes daily struggles. I am reading more about becoming a successful human, a more powerful woman in the working world, and an all around more grounded person. all in all, I think I am making a ton of positive steps in the right direction, and I am proud of that. with time, great things will come.

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cut all ties

it is finally time for me to just do what is best for me. there are so many times over the past two years that I have compromised what I needed for what someone else wanted. and the truth is, as awful as it was, I do not regret any of it. I have learned so much about who I am. finally now I am able to be that person. I am now taking the steps to figure out not only what I need in order to make myself whole again, but what I want. for the first time in a very long time, I am able to make plans for my future, and mold it exactly how I want it. there will always be bumps along the way, and unpredictable moments. but that is what makes life interesting, isn't it? a few things that I promise will never happen again. #1. I promise to never miss the birth of my best friends child. #2. I promise to never sell my personal belongings to support a douchebags drug habit. #3. I promise to never abandon my family, friends, pets, and loved ones for a man who made me ruin my credit, go against my morals, drop my life for him, and all in all change everything about myself in a negative way. #4. I promise to never lose sight of what is important in life. I truly lost sight of that for a while. I know now, after 2 years, 2 breakups, 2000 fights, 1,000,000 tears, and a few dozen laughs, that no man is worth losing who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go. I have goals like you wouldn't believe, and after two years of pushing myself aside, I'm ready to make my life about me again. if I said I felt good about what happened, I would be lying, because I still feel sad and dumb everyday for what i did to the people who love me, all for a man who only loved himself, and even that love is questionable. but at the end of the day, I cut the tie. I will no longer be your puppet. I control my destiny now. watch out world.

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a new dawn

I am so very excited to be able to blog from my phone. I have been waiting for this day for a long time. and although typing on my phone is a real pain in the ass, jason says I just need practice. so here I go! life is going very very good lately. i am working very hard at my job at forever 21 and I am really loving it. my best friend ericka just started there too so now its really gonna be a blast. I am keeping very busy, which is what I really needed. emotionally, I am back to normal. the month has had some serious highs and serious lows, but all in all, I am truly starting to feel like myself again, and it feels amazing. there are still some unresolved issues that may never be fixed. but after many long and deep conversations, I think my mind is close to being at ease. I need to give some thanks to a lot of people. thank you to my family, for welcoming me back into your home in my time of need, and for never leaving my side. I truly have the greatest parents and sibilings in the world. thank you to my three best friends. ericka richards, cass pursell, and Tess Wilson. you three ladies have been there through thick and thin. through all my hurting and healing, I have had you by my side. words cannot express how greatful I am for the friendships I've built with you all. and lastly, to Reagan. thank you for showing me how important it is for me to love myself. this break up has showed me who I was before you, with you, and who I want to be after you. I have learned so much about who I want to be, and I learned a lot of it because of you. each day should be a new adventure, filled with fun and excitement. you set me free so I could make that happen, for myself. thank you. :)

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gotta be something more

first things first, to the blog hater. THANK YOU. i feel flattered that someone takes the time to read my  blog, and to take time out of their day to hate. your harsh words mean a lot more to you than they do to me.

next.

I am doing wonderful. Today was not as good as the past 2 have been, but it definitely had its ups. :) I ate breakfast (which NEVER happens) and went to work. work flew by. The rest of the day, other than seeing Cass, was rather mediocre. I felt a little tired and grumpy and really should have taken a nap. I took my little sister to the mall to buy a dress, because in one hour and 8 minutes, she will be 18. While at the mall, i was offered a job, which i am thinking of taking. That was another plus today.

so there is this boy........:)
he knows who he is, and he may be reading this....

he is too much of a good thing that it makes me nervous to look him in the face when i talk to him. he is a great friend, a total sweetheart, and one of the only people who have truly made me laugh lately. I feel so lost and confused about how to feel, because i am still damaged, and still healing. all i know for sure, is that while i am spending time with him, he makes me feel like im normal, and i feel like everything is going to be okay. nothing feels better lately than when we laugh at something totally stupid that i say. his laugh makes me laugh more, which makes him laugh more, and so on.  he is the definition of a genuine friend, and i feel blessed to have reconnected with him. No matter where life decides to take me in the near or distant future, one thing i know for sure is i have made a true friend, one that i hope i will not lose touch with again. he gives me butterflies, and makes life exciting. He came into my life at a time when i really needed something good, and he turned into something great. in the short time we have spent together so far he has opened my eyes to so many new ideas and a whole new way to live, and i appreciate that most of all. he is helping me find me again, which is something i have completely lost sight of........

THATS ENOUGH GUTS SPILLING!!

now, as i sit alone in my giant basement apartment thing, blogging in the dark with the sound of riding in cars with boys in the background, i find myself wondering what september will bring. August, 2010 was the hardest month i have had in quite a long time. I lost my job, had to change my relationship status on FB, moved a state away, back into my parents house, the list goes on and on. but the month has ended on such a good note, and I am so excited to see what september has in store. winter 2010, here i come!!


one last thing before i end this blog. i gotta give a shout out to my girl cassie. she is the greatest friend anyone could ask for! 10+ years of friendship and going strong. your my girl, cass. thank you for being you. :)

a lot has changed

I feel a tiny bit silly having to write this blog. although part of my mind feels embarassment for what happened to me, and for how quickly after my last blog it happened, i do feel like it needs to come out. its the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts. My last blog was posted august 9th at 12 noon. that day, I left to work, and was off around 10pm. When i got home, i brought food for my boyfriend and his mother. we ate, and his mother went to bed.....

I am not emotionally stable enough to go into detail about what happened over the next few hours. But the just of it is this. Reagan decided he was done, and that we were over. he stated many things that night. The ones that stuck out most in my mind were "i feel like if i wanna dump you, you wont let me" and "im 20 years old. i dont want to have to worry about anyone but myself" and also "i have my own problems. i dont need your problems too" and so on and so forth. I was a wreck. reagan left, and i packed all my stuff, alone. loading it into my 93 honda civic, putting my tv in the front seat instead of my boyfriend. I gave reagan the longest, saddest, most difficult hug I have ever had to give. I then drove 215 miles, from Burley Idaho to West Jordan Utah, in the middle of the night. it all happened so fast it is hard to believe. I got home at 10:30pm and was on the road by midnight. unbelieveable.

now here is the icing on the cake.....i drove 3 hours, between two states, in a car full of my belongings, on a one lane highway, in the middle of the night, in silence. my car had no stereo. SURPRISINGLY, it was the greatest drive i have ever had. I felt no stress, no pressure, no time schedule. I just drove. and although i had a set destination, I felt like i was on a road to no where, and it was exactly what i needed.

I did indeed sleep the entire next day. I did indeed wake up in tears, cry all day, fall asleep crying, and wake up sad. but within 48 hours, after a lot of talks, a lot of tears, and a lot of thoughts, i told my heart to take a rest and let my head take over. my body needed to listen to what my mind has been trying to say for about 8 months. I was so unhappy. Although i loved reagan more than anything in the entire world, he was not, and never will be the man that i need to make my life complete. and the thing is, ive felt this for a while. the problem is, I am a fixer. no matter how broken i know something is, I will never admit to myself that I cant fix it. and i knew long ago that what i had with reagan was broken. but it took him being honest with me to show me that it was beyond fixing it. my mind then opened up to all the good things reagan said to me that night. things like "you deserve to be happy with someone who can give you what you need" and "you are my best friend and i want to see you happy" and i realized how much he truely cared about me.

The truth is, Reagan is my best friend, and it will take time for that to change. Investing two years into one person makes it rather difficult to just let go and not look back. eventually, my heart will heal. eventually, i will know who jessica is again. but for now, im healing. I am finding my way, and I am taking it day by day.

Since that awful night on august 9th, 10 days before my birthday, I have moved back to west jordan. I am living with my amazing family who has been extremely helpful and supportive. I got a job at forever 21 at south towne mall, with the help of my amazing friend tessa. I have spend a lot of time with some amazing friends who really make me feel great. I celebrated my 20th birthday, attended some parties, and started talking to a very cute boy who treats me well. nothing serious, we are just talking. but he is a sweet heart. I am slowly but surely finding myself again. And for the first time in a long time, I am feeling truely and honestly happy. more to come bloggers.......

a new me

i am the type of person who needs order. although my room may be a total disaster, when it comes to my thoughts, i analyze everything. I need details upon details regarding how a certain situation will play out. so, with today being Monday, the beginning of the week, it is the perfect day for me to have a wake up call and a realization about who i am and the changes i need to make. i've decided today will be a new beginning. first off, i am going to start a weight loss plan. my goal is to lose 20 pounds by September 9th. that gives me one month. to go along with this, i will have a weight loss tracker attached to my blog, so we can all be aware of my progress! second, i am going to make a daily effort to process my actions before i make them. this may sound like a simple task for some, but for me it has proved difficult in the past. I am a good person. I wake up every day and do good for others. but good people make mistakes. and I am now in the process of fixing those mistakes that I have made. wish me luck!! oh, and one other thing....i dyed my hair blonde! tada!!

welcome back old friend.

not long ago, reagan witnessed an interesting sight. while driving down a road parallel to a train yard, he noticed a young girl and boy, no older than 25, in dirty clothes and mangled hair, hopping aboard a train not designated for passengers. although they probably had not clue where they were going, i have a feeling they didnt care. they were runaways. a modern day boxcar children. didnt know where they were going. all they new and that an adventure was waiting for them when they got there....

first and foremost. for anyone who has decided they have a good time reading my blog, im sorry that it has taken me a while to write. I have gone through so many life changes lately that i do not know where to begin. and as my birthday quickly approaches, i find myself going over the past year in my head, think about the good times, and forgiving myself for the bad. since i last wrote, i started, and ended a job for the united states census bureau. although the money was good, i was living far above my means and it was getting us no where but deeper and deeper in a hole. Reagan went though about 4 long and painful days of self discovery. during that time he decided that he was not proud of where he had let his life go for the past 7 years, and he was ready to turn in around. although he was blessed with an opportunity to apprentice at a tattoo shop, he learned quickly that as much as you may love something with everything that you have, that doesn't mean that it is the right thing for you. he discovered that even though for the rest of his life he will love the thought of becoming a tattoo artist, he knew that the career path was not logical and if he wanted to be a provider for himself and for me, as well as for our future, some changes needed to be made. and needless to say, we made them. after a few nights of tears, a trip to the hospital, and so suggestions from some very caring people, we made a decision to hop on the boxcar and be runaways. although we did not go far, our lives landed us in the town of Burley, Idaho. Population less than 10,000. although the change was drastic and maybe a little bit irrational, it was exactly what we needed. we both obtained jobs working minimum wage, reagan at maverik and I at pizza hut. we work hard every day to make enough money to pay our bills. but thats the thing...we actually pay them. we have been so humbled by the experience we were presented with. reagan bought a truck, makes a car payment, earns his own money, and pays his bills. he is living sober, happy, hard working lifestyle. i am so proud of him. and i myself have done a lot of learning while being up here as well. ive learned,  especially recently, that some things need to be kept to yourself. ive learned that social networking should be used to connect with lost friends, not to broadcast what you have that is better than anyone else. it was not created to put your personal life of blast, and then wait for someone to tell you how much they wish you were you. I have learned that i still have a lot of growing up to do. but being up here, more than anything else, has taught me to appreciate what i have been given, and easily forget what i havent. i have been so humbled by the experience up here. it was the greatest thing to ever happen to us. I have not regretted it for a second. as the world continues to throw me curve balls, i finally feel, for the first time in years, that ive got my glove up, and ready to catch whatever is being thrown at me. and that is a very good feeling. :)

living in Compton

well it has been a while since i have been able to blog. but i promise you i have a very good explanation as to why. and here it goes. not too long ago, with my taxes, i bought myself a netbook. we loved our little netbook. but then, the v button broke. and from there on out, it was hell to pay. we decided to return the netbook, and buy a used computer off of ksl, so that we could have some pocket money to last a while. so we returned the netbook, and bought an old school dell inspiron 1000 off of a nice gentleman on ksl. other than the computer being a little old, it was actually pretty sick. but then, it started running a little slow, and we decided that it wasnt for us. so we were going to re sale in online, and save some money, and buy another netbook. so i got a call from a blocked number (i know, i was stupid) who said he wanted to buy it. so i was so excited. so the next day, he called me and asked me if i could meet him. i decided that i could. i drove the 50 miles from ogden to slc to meet him in a nice public location, carls jr in sugarhouse. so i pull up to the front of the building where he is standing, and i walk around to the passanger side of the car to get the computer out for him. he attempts to push past me to grab it. i simply say "excuse me sir, i will grab it for you." then shit got crazy. the man pushed me to the ground, grabbed the computer, and ran away. as he turned to run he dropped fake money. i saw the fake money and got up, and started running after him, yelling "get your ass back here mother fu**er im gonna kill you!!" after a minute, he ran down an alley and i lost him, and i also didnt wanna keep going and risk getting shot. so i turned and ran back to my car. i called the police and filed a report. it is a work in progress now. so bloggers, i have officially been mugged. check that off the list of to dos. :)

grrrrrreat

well my last blog ended a little hostile now didn't it? haha my bad bloggers. I will try to never do that again. Well, I financed a Honda Civic, and it kicks serious ass! I'm so sorry I have not blogged in a while but I have just been so mobile now that I have a good running, dependable car. On Saturday, 4/10/10 Reagan and I took a road trip to Burley, Idaho to help his mother move into her newly remodeled home. The house is beautiful and the trip was a lot of fun. We were able to spend some time with his entire family, which hardly ever happens since his mom lives up there and we all live down here. The car made it the two hours each way with no problems, and we used about a third of the gas that we used when we took the jeep up there. So that was even more of a plus. Sunday, for the most part things were back to normal, except it was Reagan's boss's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRENT!! So since he was out and about all day, Reagan was able to take a nice little break from work and we went and visited the old school train museum up here in Ogden. We were able to go up inside some of the trains and it was super cool, but kinda scary. those things are a lot taller than you think!! So after that it was back to work for Reagan, and back to home for me. On Monday, I took a trip down to SLC to visit my daddy at work, and Reagan went to the tattoo shop as usual. Then around 3pm, just as Reagan's horoscope predicted, he decided to leave work and come home to spend time with me. That early day turned into three days! Reagan stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday also!! On Tuesday we had an awesome lunch with my friend Amelia at a place called Moochies Meatballs. they make some awesome sandwiches for sure. Then we did what I think was one of the funnest parts of our 3 days spent together. We visited Hatch Family Chocolates. Now if you are unaware of what the hell i am talking about, you can google it. There is a show on TLC called the little chocolatiers. they are little people who own a chocolate shop, in utah. yeah, we met them, not  a big deal really. lol. it was soooooooooo fun.

1987

it seems to be my year reference of choice lately, though I am not entirely sure why. I have been spending a lot of time comparing myself to Jeff Hornacek in 1987 when he played for the Phoenix Suns. You be the judge. I am blogging today to vent. Today has been a bit of a roller coaster. I started the day stressed, because we are supposed to drive to Idaho to help Reagan's mom move on Saturday, but we still don't have a legal, running car. So as i left the house, stressed, and with an empty wallet, I found myself pondering if things were going to work out in my favor this round. Then, as i arrived to SLC and reposted the ad to sell my car, my phone blew up. People calling left and right, offering top dollar for my POS car!! I had my car title signed over to a lovely woman named JESSICA by 4 o clock. I was amped! Still plenty of time to travel the 6 blocks down the road with my dad to look at a new car! I then proceeded to call Randy, the owner of the car lot that I would be purchasing a car from. The same man who told me he would be there ALL DAY TIL CLOSE! well, they close at 6pm, and when I called at 4, he was already gone. so frustrating. Now I have cash in my pocket, and no car to spend it on. SO FRUSTRATING. So I decide to take my fathers car with expired tags and non working door and drive the 40 something miles back to Ogden, to call it a day. By then, its about 5:30pm, perfect time to hit 5 o clock traffic! lovely. and to add to the stop and go image you are seeing now, i would like to add that the term "stop and go" is not accurate at all when it comes to driving a manual transmission car. its more like "clutch&brake, downshift, release, repeat" to stop and "clutch, shift, release clutch/accelerate, repeat" but i wonder if the length of the description is the reason for the basic term......now thats a thought to ponder. well bloggers, i just got an annoying phone call and it made me lose my train of thought. so im off to bed. peace.

3.31.2010

dear April 1st, meet snow. Snow, meet April 1st. gross, i know. welcome to Utah people. This is why I love it here. The inconsistency is the excitement.This is how I wish to live my life. By accepting the inconsistency of it all and enjoying the ride. :) well, today i quit my job. I decided that the direction that job was taking me was not the way i wanted my life to go. to wake up everyday, knowing that I would  be walking into drama, and into a place where i was not able to go about my business as a responsible adult without people telling me some ridiculous story about their life and how much they hate it. not my style. I want to be able to go through my day feeling like an adult, not like a little kid in high school again. so i bailed. and i've never felt better. I am super stressed financially, but who isn't these days, right? luckily I have an amazing support system backing me 100% and I am so very grateful. you all know who you are. :)

Well, it has been quite some time since i have blogged it feels like. I have been on bed rest for pretty much a week now! I have pinched the sciatic nerve in my back and long story short, its some brutal pain. I have a hard time getting up, sitting down, standing, walking, or even laying. it hurts all the time. aleve and tylonol barely take the edge off it seems, and icy hot does little to nothing. I wonder if it is worth  the medical debt to go see a doctor about it. hmmm.....all i know for sure is it hurts so damn bad. bad enough that it even gives me a stomach ache. i dunno about this folks, i think its a tad bit unfair. but i deal.

moving on to easter. This year was such a success in my book. I avoided the drama that is my family in slc. and even though I am extremely sad i did not spend easter with my family, I felt so comfortable just resting at home all night. so me and Reagan decided to do a little easter dinner, just the two of us. and it worked out so perfectly. I was far enough with dinner that i was able to pick him up from work, get home, put the finishing touches on, and eat up. I had never made a ham before, so i was a little nervous. but after creating the most amazing glaze, from scratch with no recipe i might add, i think the dinner turned out to be a total success. Reagan said it tasted amazing, and that was the goal. :) and on top of it, we had so much fun together. spending time enjoying each others company, and goofing around. :) it was such a lovely day.

and the final story to complete my blog, is the story of the mullet. I was offered an opportunity to get my hair cut for free by this amazing stylist at a really nice studio in SLC, and of course I jumped on the opportunity. so  when i get to the salon and her boss describes the cut i am getting, i was a little nervous but very excited for a new look. afterwards however, i was not very pleased. to give you an idea of the before and after, i posted a pic of myself with my hair before the cut. not extremely long, but it has some length to it. now the girl took about 9 inches off the top, and by top i mean 80% of my hair, and  took less than an inch off the remaining 20%. a little blow dry and some pomade later, and i looked like the picture shown. thats right kids, a straight up mullet. business in the front, party in the back. and no, i wasnt ready to party. i was miserable. so the next day i went to a gal at the local supercuts and she fixed me up right. and now, i look like this....(photos are posted in order of appearance)

the past few days.

I would like to start this blog by stating that as i sat down to begin, i noticed a giant spider on my bedroom door, and the spider was definitely picture worthy. so i took one. it was also a jumping spider, and it had about 6 lives. but, he is no more. :)

now  before i go any further, i need to tell you a story. about 6 months ago, Reagan and I were talking about our favorite things, tattoos, and each other. and we decided that one day we would love to get tattoos that are for each other, without being each others names. the decision was made that he would get a cheese pizza, since we ate cheese pizza on our first date, and i would get the siamese twins from the movie "Big Fish" since we watched that on our first date, and it is our favorite movie. :)

now, i would love to take some time to tell you all about the past few days. i have been so blessed with an amazing man in my life, and the past few days have really opened my eyes to that. This last weekend we celebrated Ashton's first birthday. Ashton is Reagan's nephew, for those who don't know. Reagan was finally able to have a day off and his mom even came into town. Saturday was an even more lovely day, because Reagan got his tax check.Whats the first thing he did? Took me to the mall and bought me two new pairs of jeans AND a sick ass throw back Jazz hoodie. coolest hoodie i have ever owned.

finally, sunday rolls around and it is time for reality to settle in. Sandy leaves town and Reagan returns to work. but then i get a phone call, and Reagan set me up an appointment to get work done on my sleeve.  what a pleasant and painful surprise. so I got to go see him at work for a few hours and get some serious work done on my arm. 3 hours later, i was ready for beddy. :) Now to set this story up for you, while i was getting my tattoo done, Reagan was writing the cutest little love letter in my notebook for me to find on a later date.

Monday night, was not so great. it was our 15 month anniversary, and we fought the whole day. When Reagan got home that night, I was extremely mad at him, for stupid reasons, and told him he did not make me feel appreciated and that I was sick of it. Little did i know he had spent the night before writing me a love letter. :(

Tuesday rolls around and we both feel just awful for fighting the night before, but the day had to go on, and we both went to work. We tried our best to make each other feel better and to tell ourselves that things will be find. We love each other way too much to let petty fights get between us. So then i get a call, from Reagan, saying I get to get a tattoo that night, his treat! what a sweet boy!! I get off work around 4:30 and head to the tattoo shop. I decide to get a lily, in memory of my fathers mother, Lily Melissa Wilson. it turned out beautiful. When i got to the tattoo shop, Reagan said he was gonna get a tattoo also, but didn't know what he was getting yet. I, yet again, got a little mean and said we couldn't afford to both get tattoos, but he said he had it covered. little did i know he got a slamming deal. :) so i get done with my tattoo around 9, and leave to get some food for the artist. when I come back, the station is all set up for Reagan's tattoo, but he still "doesn't know" what he is getting! so i start to get frustrated like "why the hell arent you deciding what you want to get?!" and then he walks into that back and grabs the stencil for his tattoo. and what is it? a slice of cheese pizza. i was floored. how could he be so sneaky and sweet, just for me? I was literally blushing for over an hour. it was the CHEESIEST tattoo i have ever seen. :) all i wanted to do was cry, because i felt so blessed. Then, we got home, and I found the love letter. :) it was the most amazing day i have had in a very long time. :) I seriously have the sweetest boyfriend in the entire world. I am so happy with where we are and things feel so fresh and new again. I feel like we are off on such a good foot now and nothing can bring us down. :)

To top the amazing week off, I get up today and go to work. and it feels like any normal day. I come home, a little tired and grumpy, and find an adorable picture on my bed, face down. on the back it says " for the 1 i love...J.L.W" and the picture itself, which Reagan painted, is a heart. His mind, heart, and soul are so beautiful. I am easily the luckiest girl in the entire world and nothing can get me down. I am so blessed with such an amazing man. Thank you baby, for all that you do. because of you,  I wake up smiling, and go to bed happy. :)

a day of quotes

today was very very busy and productive. I feel so tired i am not sure i can think of anything insightful to say. however, i have been blessed with a list a quotes, that i feel are important enough to share. so here they are. 

-He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away

-Never design your character like a garden where anyone can walk . Design your character like the sky where everyone desire to reach.

-I don’t know if the optimists or the pessimists are right. But the optimists are going to get something done.

-When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

-Honesty needs no disguise nor ornament; be plain

-If we always helped one another, no one would need luck.

-smile easily, knowing that of all the things I wear, a smile and good humor are the most important. Life’s most prized possession is a pleasant disposition.

-You can be pleased with nothing when you are not pleased with yourself.


-When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

-You’ve got to sing like you don’t need the money. You’ve got to love like you’ll never get hurt. You’ve got to dance like there’s nobody watching. You’ve got to come from the heart, if you want it to work.


-Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen


-The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live


-Love all. Serve all. Help ever. Hurt never.....

its only natural

well Mucinex, you do NOT live up to your commercials. i took you two hors ago and i feel the exact same. you suck. never again will i pay $22.99 for a bullshit bottle pills. haha. i made this picture today to show you how much i LOVE Mucinex. thats right people. Mucinex gets a -10 on my medicine scale. i want to know why you people think it is okay to charge so much money for your product when it simply sucks!! please excuse me while i cough, since my MUCINEX COUGH SUPPRESSANT DOESN'T WORK! dont worry, i am not bitter. i am simply going to write a letter to the people of mucinex and DEMAND my money back. these people suck.

now, onto more important things. my beautiful sister, melissa, is getting married in less than three months! and i have so much planning to do! I need to get started on her bridal shower! We are going to do a tea party theme, to coordinate with her wedding theme, alice in wonderland! i think it is going to be the most beautiful and creative wedding i have ever been to. But, the bridal shower just may turn into a disaster, considering i am not very creative. ='[ i want all of you to know that my blackberry landed on the keyboard of my laptop and created that frowny face all by itself. talk about a smart phone. haha. anyways, i have but one awesome bridal shower game picked out so far, but need at least a few more. so people, the purpose of this blog today is to get suggestions for awesome bridal shower games, preferably some that coordinate with the theme! ideas people! please and thank you. I am also accepting donations. bee tee dub.:)

salt lake city

what a beautiful sight. there are days when i just wish i could spend all day walking the streets, seeing all the amazing different cultures that salt lake has to offer. different people, different places, different beliefs, genders, sexual preferences, races, religions, politics, everything. if i could spend the rest of my life anywhere in the world, i would stick to salt lake city. this is my hometown. and boy, do i miss it. although my home is only about 45 miles away, it seems like a whole world of  difference. and although i love the home im in and the family i am making, i cannot help but sign deeply when thinking of the beautiful streets of salt lake city. and melissa, if your reading this, all i can hear in my head right now is your voice saying "why dont you just move back" haha. i love you sister. and i want to move back. and someday i will. but life to me, is about exploring! i have but one life to live, and for all i know, my life is more that half over! i could live til im 70 or til im 27. who knows. but i made a decision a while ago to never let anyone or anything hold me back from what MY life desires are. one of which is exploring new places. so someday, slc, i will be back to claim you as my forever home. but for now, you can be my runaway. my go to place when i need a break. our relationship will never die, and you will never get old. :)

rob thomas

this man has been very uplifting to me lately. I found myself in quite a hole for a while, and wasn't too sure if anyone could help me get out. life is tough when you have to tell yourself to take in one day at a time instead of just doing it. ya know? the beautiful music of rob thomas, however, was what i needed. his uplifting lyrics and unique music carried me through some of my rougher days. sometimes its the little things in life that  bring the most joy. speaking of which, i got an old fashioned manicure/pedicure combo today, and it was lovely. thanks to my amazing boyfriend, things are finally looking up. he knows exactly what to do and say, even more so than rob thomas, to make my heart skip a beat. i have noticed that although i spend a lot of time talking about things in life i need to change, or things i have simply accepted, i have not taking the time to really explain to the blogging world just how lucky i am to have a love in my life. although i am still young, and to some people, im too young to know true love, i do know that the love i have is true, young, and beautiful. I feel like i have known reagan my entire life, and i cannot imagine myself without him. we have already been through rough patches, good times, happy and sad, mad and fun, and through it all, 15 months later, i have never been happier. i wake up every day, feeling like the luckiest girl in the entire universe. he is the funniest, sweetest, grumpiest, cutest, most selfish and selfless, crude and unusual, stylish and colorblind, mix matched and uncoordinated, graceful and frumpy man i have ever met. i love that he is a walking contradiction. i love everything he is and everything he isn't. i cannot truly express in words just how blessed i am. until the day i die, your the one true love baby. :)

egg yolk

best monday i have had in a long time. sadly, my reagan was sick. however, it was so nice to be able to cuddle and take a two hour nap with him. i haven't done that in a long time and i miss it. got a possible opportunity for a job, thank you trissta hepting. It is a cleaning job, which rocks. I did a lot of house cleaning and sterile room cleaning over the summer and it was awesome. so although today did have its usual faults (i.e. new car wont start) all in all it was a wonderful day. watched "a day in the lyfe" about 5 times. learned a lot about art and the different styles. also learned a lot about people who always seem to be judged negatively. it gave a whole new meaning to dont judge a book by its cover. the type of people you think to be ass holes or selfish, actually appreciate other people and their passions more than their own. I have learned today to not judge so quickly. if you have ever been judged too quickly, you know how it feels to be seen only at the surface, and to have a negative judgement placed on you. a distinct memory i have is 7th grade. sounds like a million years ago, right? well in 7th grade, I was following in the footsteps of my older sister,8th grade, and her new found style. it seemed to me that after entering middle school, it  became very cool to dress like a "punk" which included baggy pants, band tees, studded belts, and every color of chucks you can find. so me, being a witty little one, decided to have a one up on everyone entering the 7th grade with me, by presenting the "style" on the first day of school. never in my life have i had so many people think i was a bitch. how awful is that? because i dressed like the older, punk crowd, i was suddenly a rude, stupid, scary person. come on people. i believe one person in particular who is reading this blog will understand exactly what im talking about. cuz she was right there with the rest of em, thinking i looked like a straight up bitch. haha. but i love her. ;) anyways. if there is one thing i have learned throughout my life, it is the amount of emotional and physical pain you can cause on someone, simply for judging them. been there done that bitches. give people the benefit of the doubt. lifes too short to hate! this music is distracting me, so im outta here. :) til tomorrow bloggers.

garlic

i wanna start this  blog by letting you know that i have garlic breath really bad. damn that cheese bread. i have discovered something about myself today that i know i have done for a long time and today was the first day i could really recognize it. there are certain situations in life when you really just feel attacked. and for me it always seems like the people i care for the most are the people i feel most attacked by. i know this is the norm for most people. why is it this way? is it because the people you care about are people you want to care back? and if you feel attacked its because you don't feel like they care? is attacking a way for people to show they care, or a way to show they don't? the struggle to understand the difference is something that i have battled with for a very long time. i have recently been presented with a few different situations where i have felt personally attacked by people that i really care about. and i find myself wondering who is wrong, me or them? is there a right or wrong? is there just one person who needs to adjust their insight or is it something that the two must work on together? sometimes i feel like i am being pulled to change and change and change who i am and how i approach situations that become heated. i wonder if it truly is me who is in the wrong, or if there is an ongoing battle between egos. i can see where these certain people are coming from when they tell me what i did that made them feel as though i was wrong. so why is it that i can see where they are coming from but they cannot see where i am coming from? and then i realized, they do. i have made a discovery about myself today. and it is this. in a situation when i feel attacked, i assume the worst. i assume that my point is not seen nor heard, and that they look at me as though i am insane! i know this sounds ridiculous but sadly its true! so now i need to teach myself how to grow from this. how do you grow from something that feels so much like a part of you? this is a struggle i have not yet conquered..and although it is an ongoing battle, i feel extremely confident that  i will be able to grow, and learn to trust. people aren't all bad, after all. and the ones that i truly care for, probably deserve it. to care for someone is to feel a deep connection to them. and i don't know about you, but i don't connect with enemies. this blog shows you once again how much growing i still need to do. i am 19 years young, with lots of learning to go. true friends wont say i told you so. i surround my life with  beautiful people. people that help me grow. people who pick me up when i'm down, and help me get back on track. i have surrounded myself with angels. :)

bring on the rain.

today, i am feeling a little indifferent. I am watching one life to live and life is pretty much back to normal with Katy and the baby home again. i have a second interview this morning with convergys for the census project starting in may. hopefully all goes well and i will have a job soon. after the interview and all necessary paperwork i went to chick fil-a and got some lunch for the three of us. too bad the dog ate the babies food. bitch. i dunno. its one of those days where nothing is really bad, but nothing is really good. last night wasn't the best. i would like to be able to say that i never make mistakes, but i am just not that lucky. and last night, i pushed a button that i didn't know i was pushing, and the person i love the most was hurt. what do you do in a situation like that? to play the defensive card gets you no where but deeper in the hole. but to say i didn't think what i was doing was going to make him mad would seem as though i don't care enough to know better. which i do. so all i can do is apologize. and apologize. and apologize again. so today is a day of recovery. although i look fine, my heart hurts. why is it that one day i can write about how i am so happy with who i am, and another i write about how much i need to improve? No one is perfect, that is for sure. One thing is for certain, i wish i was. all i want to do is make him so happy that we never have to fight again. but is that possible? i spend all day witnessing different couples interact in different ways, none of which don't fight. everyone does it. its the fights you can survive that will make your relationship stronger. so why can he not see that? why can we not see past the disagreement, and grow enough to not have the disagreement again. i dunno. sometimes i guess i just need to remember the serenity  prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I can only work on myself. how other things and ideas fit into my life is determined only by those people or things. i need to tell myself every day to stay positive. life it too short to sweat the small stuff. be thankful for what you have, not bitter for what you don't have. thats all for now bloggers. time to do some building. and for that, its time for a walk in the rain.

limp

today, i am home alone. Reagan is off at work and Alex is in Idaho picking up his wife and son. so i have spent the day watching secrets of aspen and eating cafe rio. yum. for this blog, id like to talk about weight. as i started this blog i was going to tell you about how i was taking a bath currently and the dogs are in the other room going crazy. but i think i have spent enough time talking about stuff that doesn't mean anything to anyone but me. so lets talk about body image. this is something that haunts nearly every woman in america, and women around the world as well. for the past god knows how long, it has been portrayed in the media that the ideal woman is a size 2. now never  being a size 2, except maybe when i was 7? i don't know how it would feel the the "ideal woman." i was born to be big. but does that automatically mean i was born to be lonely? society today tells me that in order to ever been taken seriously, the ever fall in love, to ever have a career, or to ever enjoy my life in general, i am required to be a size 2. why is that? back in 1890-1918 the fashion trends were to look full. women would wear layers upon layers of clothes to make themselves look as though they weighed about 50 lbs more than they actually did. then, when the fabulous ms. coco chanel introduced large fashion jewelry and the tube dress, more commonly known as the flapper, it suddenly became more"trendy" to be slim. prior to this, women in power, such as queens, were almost always on the hefty side. bigger body means you can afford more food. if you can afford all that food you must be important. they were respected. and although coco is one of my idols, i cant help but wonder if the poor woman knew how drastically she was going to change america and every woman to walk in it. now all trends die eventually. this can be seen in examples such as bubble shirts, rubber bracelets, and poodle skirts. now although its true that some trends hibernate and then return, such as bell bottoms and peace signs, i find myself wondering why the one trend that is seen as such a plague to some women, is the one trend, other than the little black dress, that has never gone out of style. being this is not just a trend anymore. it is a curse. women today are going to such  extreme lengths to be "trendy". i myself have even attempted to eat only grapefruit and drink only water, for months at a time, to try and become what society now portrays as perfection. but lets face it people, im always gonna be big. i have been big for too long to be thin now. even if i found the most amazing diet in the world that worked so fell i dropped 100 lbs in 3 months. its not me. being a size 11 is who i am, and who i will always be. now you people must think i am absolutely crazy for admitting my size, because if you are more than a size 5 then you best run for the hills, and keep running until you are a size 5. lol. now i want to know why, because i am a size 11, and not a size 2, that i suddenly am going to be miserable, unsuccessful, lonely, bitter, and die alone. I DON'T THINK SO! success, happiness, and love all come a lot easier if you carry yourself with confidence. now don't get me wrong, it has taken me nearly my entire young life to discover who i really am, and who i am always going to be. and it is probably one of the hardest things in the world to be able to pick up a cosmo magazine and say "well my thighs will definitely not let me pull off that sex position" but being able to do that is the most freeing feeling in the world. so no, don't feel bad for me and my size 11 pants. i want you to feel bad for the girls who wake up every morning at 5 am, when they don't need to be anywhere until 9. I feel bad for the girls who stand in front of the mirror for an entire hour examining every part of her body that moves when she jumps. every jiggle. every droop. i feel awful for the size 4  who cries when she hears that 0 is the new 2. because that  type of obsession is what makes people bitter and miserable. I wake up every day and haul all 200 lbs out of bed with a smile on my face. because i am who i am. and if you don't like it, then fuck off. i want girls in america to know that coco chanel is gone, and so should the horrible curse she brought be. Thin, believe it or not, is not in. confidence is. to be happy in life, and in yourself, is a trend that should never go out of style.

new shoes

so yesterday, as you all know, i purchased a car. now this said car was left in SLC and i went home to Ogden so that today my father could do a full tune up on it, to put it into tip top shape. so i have the task of taking my oh so favorite public transportation to SLC (about 45 minutes from my house by car) to pick up my new automobile. now let me digress. in order to purchase this automobile, i was in need of a lump sum of cash. thankfully the tax gods were on my side this year, because a hefty tax return is exactly what i got. so with this tax return i was able to purchase this said car, along with some other items that i love oh so much. one of which being this new computer from which i am posting this blog. another is the pair of shoes currently on my feet. these strappy turquoise sandals were such a steal of a deal that i also got them in yellow(go figure) now let me explain to you, in case you are unaware, that all new shoes much be broken in before being able to be worn comfortably. now don't feel dumb if you were unaware, because since it has been so long since i have purchased a new pair of shoes, i had forgotten this very important rule as well today. so as i strapped on my new sandals and walked to two miles to the nearest bus stop, i quickly learned the rule that I have irresponsibly forgotten. not only did i have to break in the new shoes the hard way, with a two mile walk, but i had left the house about ten minutes late due to Reagan's boss being a tad bit late to pick him up. so as i RAN the two miles to the bus stop, i was quite a bit concerned that either a: i would break my brand new strappy turquoise sandals, or that b: i would miss the bus and be late to picking up my car. luckily for me, yet again, the public transportation gods were on my side. as i ran, out of breath, the last yard to the bus stop, i saw the bus, coming my direction. so lucky. but then, the hard part....i needed that bus to make it from said bus stop, two towns over to the train station, in 15 minutes. that task alone, on a good day, takes 20 minutes. yet somehow, as the bus pulled into the Clearfield train station, and I saw the southbound train, in the distance, coming my direction, i couldn't help but smile. the good things that happened to me may seem a little bit silly to all of you.but my public transportation excursion today taught me a lesson, and a good one at that. life is about  staying positive. you cannot change what is meant to happen in the world, you can only change the way you react to it. i caught myself wondering if i would have been blessed with this lesson had i been one minute late to the bus or train. would i be stuck in that same rut i have been in for months now? the one where you feel like just about everything is out to get you? i wonder if that bad outcome would have shown me the same positive outlook. but i will never know. all i know is i feel blessed for today, and each day i am granted to walk this beautiful earth. i need to grow as a person. don't take stuff for granted. don't sweat the small stuff. never go to sleep angry, and never hurt the ones you love the most. these are lessons to live by, and i wish to do my best to live by them. i hope you all do the same. actum, amor, risum.

the wheels on the bus go round and round.

well ladies and gents. I did it. i bought a car. i  am just so excited that is all i have to say. i got a car. im mobile again. watch out slc, jessica is back in action!

ax men

so its sunday night, and i haven't changed out of my pajamas all day. and other than the quick walk to the bus stop and back, i have pretty much made a permanent indent in this new couch. sorry katy. :) a certain someone who claimed not to long ago that he would not be able to live with me because i was just "so damn fake" is being pleasantly friendly. other than the very rude "were gonna have to ask you to move out" joke, which did make me cry. lol. so now, while he goes to the store for some milk and paper towels, i decide to pay tribute to his sudden spurt of friendliness towards me, and watch one of his favorite shows...ax men. now if you have not seen this show let me tell you all that i know about it, which isn't much. There are different teams of loggers, who take big ass machines to steep hillsides, and pull a ton of big logs up the hill into big piles. and then they sell them for money. there is one or two guys who even log in the swamps! they straight up swim with the crocs and pull soggy trees out of nasty mossy green swamp water. now i dunno if this is just the valley girl coming out in me, but i would rather be unemployed for the rest of my life then to have to do that shit. but in that note. I did watch a special on the Waste Management company not too long ago, which showcased all different types of jobs at Waste Management, and the type of conditions they are forced to work under. Now during the show, i saw a lot of messed up stuff. One instance being a woman garbage truck driver who was forced to be out for 8 hours at a time with no restrooms. So she straight up kept an empty coffee tin in the storage area of her truck to pee in. are you kidding me? but back to the point. one of the jobs was for a man to drive a "gray water" truck to different areas in town, which had a lot of out houses, or portable bathrooms. now his job was to take a big vacuum from his truck and use it to suck up all the "gray  water" aka shit from the port-a-potties and load it into his truck. now i am going to assume that this to you sounds absolutely disgusting. but I think it would be bomb. I am not so much of a team player, and with that job i would not have to deal with anyones shit.......well, you know what i mean....;) so to end this blog i would like to make a shout out to Waste Management, and let them know if they've got any opening in that department, I am your girl. :)

its one of those things...

so i was out and about today eating bad food in my new shoes and i couldn't help but stare off into the crowd of ridiculously old people who looked about as wilted as the side of raisins on their plates. now don't get me wrong I can appreciate one old fougy as much as the next person, them being wise and a little bit scary, but I could help but wonder if it was normal for the entire room to smell of moldy bread and Chanel no.5 perfume. try to imagine the combination......so as i exited the restaurant and popped a dinner mint in my mouth, I cant say I was as satisfied as everyone promised me that I would be. oh, and to top it off, the dinner mint was black licorice flavored. awesome. so bloggers, to close this short but sweet opening blog, I must say i am excited to tell you more about my inability to be fully satisfied with any given situation. :)