a lot has changed

I feel a tiny bit silly having to write this blog. although part of my mind feels embarassment for what happened to me, and for how quickly after my last blog it happened, i do feel like it needs to come out. its the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts. My last blog was posted august 9th at 12 noon. that day, I left to work, and was off around 10pm. When i got home, i brought food for my boyfriend and his mother. we ate, and his mother went to bed.....

I am not emotionally stable enough to go into detail about what happened over the next few hours. But the just of it is this. Reagan decided he was done, and that we were over. he stated many things that night. The ones that stuck out most in my mind were "i feel like if i wanna dump you, you wont let me" and "im 20 years old. i dont want to have to worry about anyone but myself" and also "i have my own problems. i dont need your problems too" and so on and so forth. I was a wreck. reagan left, and i packed all my stuff, alone. loading it into my 93 honda civic, putting my tv in the front seat instead of my boyfriend. I gave reagan the longest, saddest, most difficult hug I have ever had to give. I then drove 215 miles, from Burley Idaho to West Jordan Utah, in the middle of the night. it all happened so fast it is hard to believe. I got home at 10:30pm and was on the road by midnight. unbelieveable.

now here is the icing on the cake.....i drove 3 hours, between two states, in a car full of my belongings, on a one lane highway, in the middle of the night, in silence. my car had no stereo. SURPRISINGLY, it was the greatest drive i have ever had. I felt no stress, no pressure, no time schedule. I just drove. and although i had a set destination, I felt like i was on a road to no where, and it was exactly what i needed.

I did indeed sleep the entire next day. I did indeed wake up in tears, cry all day, fall asleep crying, and wake up sad. but within 48 hours, after a lot of talks, a lot of tears, and a lot of thoughts, i told my heart to take a rest and let my head take over. my body needed to listen to what my mind has been trying to say for about 8 months. I was so unhappy. Although i loved reagan more than anything in the entire world, he was not, and never will be the man that i need to make my life complete. and the thing is, ive felt this for a while. the problem is, I am a fixer. no matter how broken i know something is, I will never admit to myself that I cant fix it. and i knew long ago that what i had with reagan was broken. but it took him being honest with me to show me that it was beyond fixing it. my mind then opened up to all the good things reagan said to me that night. things like "you deserve to be happy with someone who can give you what you need" and "you are my best friend and i want to see you happy" and i realized how much he truely cared about me.

The truth is, Reagan is my best friend, and it will take time for that to change. Investing two years into one person makes it rather difficult to just let go and not look back. eventually, my heart will heal. eventually, i will know who jessica is again. but for now, im healing. I am finding my way, and I am taking it day by day.

Since that awful night on august 9th, 10 days before my birthday, I have moved back to west jordan. I am living with my amazing family who has been extremely helpful and supportive. I got a job at forever 21 at south towne mall, with the help of my amazing friend tessa. I have spend a lot of time with some amazing friends who really make me feel great. I celebrated my 20th birthday, attended some parties, and started talking to a very cute boy who treats me well. nothing serious, we are just talking. but he is a sweet heart. I am slowly but surely finding myself again. And for the first time in a long time, I am feeling truely and honestly happy. more to come bloggers.......