the past few days.

I would like to start this blog by stating that as i sat down to begin, i noticed a giant spider on my bedroom door, and the spider was definitely picture worthy. so i took one. it was also a jumping spider, and it had about 6 lives. but, he is no more. :)

now  before i go any further, i need to tell you a story. about 6 months ago, Reagan and I were talking about our favorite things, tattoos, and each other. and we decided that one day we would love to get tattoos that are for each other, without being each others names. the decision was made that he would get a cheese pizza, since we ate cheese pizza on our first date, and i would get the siamese twins from the movie "Big Fish" since we watched that on our first date, and it is our favorite movie. :)

now, i would love to take some time to tell you all about the past few days. i have been so blessed with an amazing man in my life, and the past few days have really opened my eyes to that. This last weekend we celebrated Ashton's first birthday. Ashton is Reagan's nephew, for those who don't know. Reagan was finally able to have a day off and his mom even came into town. Saturday was an even more lovely day, because Reagan got his tax check.Whats the first thing he did? Took me to the mall and bought me two new pairs of jeans AND a sick ass throw back Jazz hoodie. coolest hoodie i have ever owned.

finally, sunday rolls around and it is time for reality to settle in. Sandy leaves town and Reagan returns to work. but then i get a phone call, and Reagan set me up an appointment to get work done on my sleeve.  what a pleasant and painful surprise. so I got to go see him at work for a few hours and get some serious work done on my arm. 3 hours later, i was ready for beddy. :) Now to set this story up for you, while i was getting my tattoo done, Reagan was writing the cutest little love letter in my notebook for me to find on a later date.

Monday night, was not so great. it was our 15 month anniversary, and we fought the whole day. When Reagan got home that night, I was extremely mad at him, for stupid reasons, and told him he did not make me feel appreciated and that I was sick of it. Little did i know he had spent the night before writing me a love letter. :(

Tuesday rolls around and we both feel just awful for fighting the night before, but the day had to go on, and we both went to work. We tried our best to make each other feel better and to tell ourselves that things will be find. We love each other way too much to let petty fights get between us. So then i get a call, from Reagan, saying I get to get a tattoo that night, his treat! what a sweet boy!! I get off work around 4:30 and head to the tattoo shop. I decide to get a lily, in memory of my fathers mother, Lily Melissa Wilson. it turned out beautiful. When i got to the tattoo shop, Reagan said he was gonna get a tattoo also, but didn't know what he was getting yet. I, yet again, got a little mean and said we couldn't afford to both get tattoos, but he said he had it covered. little did i know he got a slamming deal. :) so i get done with my tattoo around 9, and leave to get some food for the artist. when I come back, the station is all set up for Reagan's tattoo, but he still "doesn't know" what he is getting! so i start to get frustrated like "why the hell arent you deciding what you want to get?!" and then he walks into that back and grabs the stencil for his tattoo. and what is it? a slice of cheese pizza. i was floored. how could he be so sneaky and sweet, just for me? I was literally blushing for over an hour. it was the CHEESIEST tattoo i have ever seen. :) all i wanted to do was cry, because i felt so blessed. Then, we got home, and I found the love letter. :) it was the most amazing day i have had in a very long time. :) I seriously have the sweetest boyfriend in the entire world. I am so happy with where we are and things feel so fresh and new again. I feel like we are off on such a good foot now and nothing can bring us down. :)

To top the amazing week off, I get up today and go to work. and it feels like any normal day. I come home, a little tired and grumpy, and find an adorable picture on my bed, face down. on the back it says " for the 1 i love...J.L.W" and the picture itself, which Reagan painted, is a heart. His mind, heart, and soul are so beautiful. I am easily the luckiest girl in the entire world and nothing can get me down. I am so blessed with such an amazing man. Thank you baby, for all that you do. because of you,  I wake up smiling, and go to bed happy. :)

a day of quotes

today was very very busy and productive. I feel so tired i am not sure i can think of anything insightful to say. however, i have been blessed with a list a quotes, that i feel are important enough to share. so here they are. 

-He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away

-Never design your character like a garden where anyone can walk . Design your character like the sky where everyone desire to reach.

-I don’t know if the optimists or the pessimists are right. But the optimists are going to get something done.

-When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

-Honesty needs no disguise nor ornament; be plain

-If we always helped one another, no one would need luck.

-smile easily, knowing that of all the things I wear, a smile and good humor are the most important. Life’s most prized possession is a pleasant disposition.

-You can be pleased with nothing when you are not pleased with yourself.


-When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

-You’ve got to sing like you don’t need the money. You’ve got to love like you’ll never get hurt. You’ve got to dance like there’s nobody watching. You’ve got to come from the heart, if you want it to work.


-Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen


-The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live


-Love all. Serve all. Help ever. Hurt never.....

its only natural

well Mucinex, you do NOT live up to your commercials. i took you two hors ago and i feel the exact same. you suck. never again will i pay $22.99 for a bullshit bottle pills. haha. i made this picture today to show you how much i LOVE Mucinex. thats right people. Mucinex gets a -10 on my medicine scale. i want to know why you people think it is okay to charge so much money for your product when it simply sucks!! please excuse me while i cough, since my MUCINEX COUGH SUPPRESSANT DOESN'T WORK! dont worry, i am not bitter. i am simply going to write a letter to the people of mucinex and DEMAND my money back. these people suck.

now, onto more important things. my beautiful sister, melissa, is getting married in less than three months! and i have so much planning to do! I need to get started on her bridal shower! We are going to do a tea party theme, to coordinate with her wedding theme, alice in wonderland! i think it is going to be the most beautiful and creative wedding i have ever been to. But, the bridal shower just may turn into a disaster, considering i am not very creative. ='[ i want all of you to know that my blackberry landed on the keyboard of my laptop and created that frowny face all by itself. talk about a smart phone. haha. anyways, i have but one awesome bridal shower game picked out so far, but need at least a few more. so people, the purpose of this blog today is to get suggestions for awesome bridal shower games, preferably some that coordinate with the theme! ideas people! please and thank you. I am also accepting donations. bee tee dub.:)

salt lake city

what a beautiful sight. there are days when i just wish i could spend all day walking the streets, seeing all the amazing different cultures that salt lake has to offer. different people, different places, different beliefs, genders, sexual preferences, races, religions, politics, everything. if i could spend the rest of my life anywhere in the world, i would stick to salt lake city. this is my hometown. and boy, do i miss it. although my home is only about 45 miles away, it seems like a whole world of  difference. and although i love the home im in and the family i am making, i cannot help but sign deeply when thinking of the beautiful streets of salt lake city. and melissa, if your reading this, all i can hear in my head right now is your voice saying "why dont you just move back" haha. i love you sister. and i want to move back. and someday i will. but life to me, is about exploring! i have but one life to live, and for all i know, my life is more that half over! i could live til im 70 or til im 27. who knows. but i made a decision a while ago to never let anyone or anything hold me back from what MY life desires are. one of which is exploring new places. so someday, slc, i will be back to claim you as my forever home. but for now, you can be my runaway. my go to place when i need a break. our relationship will never die, and you will never get old. :)

rob thomas

this man has been very uplifting to me lately. I found myself in quite a hole for a while, and wasn't too sure if anyone could help me get out. life is tough when you have to tell yourself to take in one day at a time instead of just doing it. ya know? the beautiful music of rob thomas, however, was what i needed. his uplifting lyrics and unique music carried me through some of my rougher days. sometimes its the little things in life that  bring the most joy. speaking of which, i got an old fashioned manicure/pedicure combo today, and it was lovely. thanks to my amazing boyfriend, things are finally looking up. he knows exactly what to do and say, even more so than rob thomas, to make my heart skip a beat. i have noticed that although i spend a lot of time talking about things in life i need to change, or things i have simply accepted, i have not taking the time to really explain to the blogging world just how lucky i am to have a love in my life. although i am still young, and to some people, im too young to know true love, i do know that the love i have is true, young, and beautiful. I feel like i have known reagan my entire life, and i cannot imagine myself without him. we have already been through rough patches, good times, happy and sad, mad and fun, and through it all, 15 months later, i have never been happier. i wake up every day, feeling like the luckiest girl in the entire universe. he is the funniest, sweetest, grumpiest, cutest, most selfish and selfless, crude and unusual, stylish and colorblind, mix matched and uncoordinated, graceful and frumpy man i have ever met. i love that he is a walking contradiction. i love everything he is and everything he isn't. i cannot truly express in words just how blessed i am. until the day i die, your the one true love baby. :)

egg yolk

best monday i have had in a long time. sadly, my reagan was sick. however, it was so nice to be able to cuddle and take a two hour nap with him. i haven't done that in a long time and i miss it. got a possible opportunity for a job, thank you trissta hepting. It is a cleaning job, which rocks. I did a lot of house cleaning and sterile room cleaning over the summer and it was awesome. so although today did have its usual faults (i.e. new car wont start) all in all it was a wonderful day. watched "a day in the lyfe" about 5 times. learned a lot about art and the different styles. also learned a lot about people who always seem to be judged negatively. it gave a whole new meaning to dont judge a book by its cover. the type of people you think to be ass holes or selfish, actually appreciate other people and their passions more than their own. I have learned today to not judge so quickly. if you have ever been judged too quickly, you know how it feels to be seen only at the surface, and to have a negative judgement placed on you. a distinct memory i have is 7th grade. sounds like a million years ago, right? well in 7th grade, I was following in the footsteps of my older sister,8th grade, and her new found style. it seemed to me that after entering middle school, it  became very cool to dress like a "punk" which included baggy pants, band tees, studded belts, and every color of chucks you can find. so me, being a witty little one, decided to have a one up on everyone entering the 7th grade with me, by presenting the "style" on the first day of school. never in my life have i had so many people think i was a bitch. how awful is that? because i dressed like the older, punk crowd, i was suddenly a rude, stupid, scary person. come on people. i believe one person in particular who is reading this blog will understand exactly what im talking about. cuz she was right there with the rest of em, thinking i looked like a straight up bitch. haha. but i love her. ;) anyways. if there is one thing i have learned throughout my life, it is the amount of emotional and physical pain you can cause on someone, simply for judging them. been there done that bitches. give people the benefit of the doubt. lifes too short to hate! this music is distracting me, so im outta here. :) til tomorrow bloggers.

garlic

i wanna start this  blog by letting you know that i have garlic breath really bad. damn that cheese bread. i have discovered something about myself today that i know i have done for a long time and today was the first day i could really recognize it. there are certain situations in life when you really just feel attacked. and for me it always seems like the people i care for the most are the people i feel most attacked by. i know this is the norm for most people. why is it this way? is it because the people you care about are people you want to care back? and if you feel attacked its because you don't feel like they care? is attacking a way for people to show they care, or a way to show they don't? the struggle to understand the difference is something that i have battled with for a very long time. i have recently been presented with a few different situations where i have felt personally attacked by people that i really care about. and i find myself wondering who is wrong, me or them? is there a right or wrong? is there just one person who needs to adjust their insight or is it something that the two must work on together? sometimes i feel like i am being pulled to change and change and change who i am and how i approach situations that become heated. i wonder if it truly is me who is in the wrong, or if there is an ongoing battle between egos. i can see where these certain people are coming from when they tell me what i did that made them feel as though i was wrong. so why is it that i can see where they are coming from but they cannot see where i am coming from? and then i realized, they do. i have made a discovery about myself today. and it is this. in a situation when i feel attacked, i assume the worst. i assume that my point is not seen nor heard, and that they look at me as though i am insane! i know this sounds ridiculous but sadly its true! so now i need to teach myself how to grow from this. how do you grow from something that feels so much like a part of you? this is a struggle i have not yet conquered..and although it is an ongoing battle, i feel extremely confident that  i will be able to grow, and learn to trust. people aren't all bad, after all. and the ones that i truly care for, probably deserve it. to care for someone is to feel a deep connection to them. and i don't know about you, but i don't connect with enemies. this blog shows you once again how much growing i still need to do. i am 19 years young, with lots of learning to go. true friends wont say i told you so. i surround my life with  beautiful people. people that help me grow. people who pick me up when i'm down, and help me get back on track. i have surrounded myself with angels. :)

bring on the rain.

today, i am feeling a little indifferent. I am watching one life to live and life is pretty much back to normal with Katy and the baby home again. i have a second interview this morning with convergys for the census project starting in may. hopefully all goes well and i will have a job soon. after the interview and all necessary paperwork i went to chick fil-a and got some lunch for the three of us. too bad the dog ate the babies food. bitch. i dunno. its one of those days where nothing is really bad, but nothing is really good. last night wasn't the best. i would like to be able to say that i never make mistakes, but i am just not that lucky. and last night, i pushed a button that i didn't know i was pushing, and the person i love the most was hurt. what do you do in a situation like that? to play the defensive card gets you no where but deeper in the hole. but to say i didn't think what i was doing was going to make him mad would seem as though i don't care enough to know better. which i do. so all i can do is apologize. and apologize. and apologize again. so today is a day of recovery. although i look fine, my heart hurts. why is it that one day i can write about how i am so happy with who i am, and another i write about how much i need to improve? No one is perfect, that is for sure. One thing is for certain, i wish i was. all i want to do is make him so happy that we never have to fight again. but is that possible? i spend all day witnessing different couples interact in different ways, none of which don't fight. everyone does it. its the fights you can survive that will make your relationship stronger. so why can he not see that? why can we not see past the disagreement, and grow enough to not have the disagreement again. i dunno. sometimes i guess i just need to remember the serenity  prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I can only work on myself. how other things and ideas fit into my life is determined only by those people or things. i need to tell myself every day to stay positive. life it too short to sweat the small stuff. be thankful for what you have, not bitter for what you don't have. thats all for now bloggers. time to do some building. and for that, its time for a walk in the rain.

limp

today, i am home alone. Reagan is off at work and Alex is in Idaho picking up his wife and son. so i have spent the day watching secrets of aspen and eating cafe rio. yum. for this blog, id like to talk about weight. as i started this blog i was going to tell you about how i was taking a bath currently and the dogs are in the other room going crazy. but i think i have spent enough time talking about stuff that doesn't mean anything to anyone but me. so lets talk about body image. this is something that haunts nearly every woman in america, and women around the world as well. for the past god knows how long, it has been portrayed in the media that the ideal woman is a size 2. now never  being a size 2, except maybe when i was 7? i don't know how it would feel the the "ideal woman." i was born to be big. but does that automatically mean i was born to be lonely? society today tells me that in order to ever been taken seriously, the ever fall in love, to ever have a career, or to ever enjoy my life in general, i am required to be a size 2. why is that? back in 1890-1918 the fashion trends were to look full. women would wear layers upon layers of clothes to make themselves look as though they weighed about 50 lbs more than they actually did. then, when the fabulous ms. coco chanel introduced large fashion jewelry and the tube dress, more commonly known as the flapper, it suddenly became more"trendy" to be slim. prior to this, women in power, such as queens, were almost always on the hefty side. bigger body means you can afford more food. if you can afford all that food you must be important. they were respected. and although coco is one of my idols, i cant help but wonder if the poor woman knew how drastically she was going to change america and every woman to walk in it. now all trends die eventually. this can be seen in examples such as bubble shirts, rubber bracelets, and poodle skirts. now although its true that some trends hibernate and then return, such as bell bottoms and peace signs, i find myself wondering why the one trend that is seen as such a plague to some women, is the one trend, other than the little black dress, that has never gone out of style. being this is not just a trend anymore. it is a curse. women today are going to such  extreme lengths to be "trendy". i myself have even attempted to eat only grapefruit and drink only water, for months at a time, to try and become what society now portrays as perfection. but lets face it people, im always gonna be big. i have been big for too long to be thin now. even if i found the most amazing diet in the world that worked so fell i dropped 100 lbs in 3 months. its not me. being a size 11 is who i am, and who i will always be. now you people must think i am absolutely crazy for admitting my size, because if you are more than a size 5 then you best run for the hills, and keep running until you are a size 5. lol. now i want to know why, because i am a size 11, and not a size 2, that i suddenly am going to be miserable, unsuccessful, lonely, bitter, and die alone. I DON'T THINK SO! success, happiness, and love all come a lot easier if you carry yourself with confidence. now don't get me wrong, it has taken me nearly my entire young life to discover who i really am, and who i am always going to be. and it is probably one of the hardest things in the world to be able to pick up a cosmo magazine and say "well my thighs will definitely not let me pull off that sex position" but being able to do that is the most freeing feeling in the world. so no, don't feel bad for me and my size 11 pants. i want you to feel bad for the girls who wake up every morning at 5 am, when they don't need to be anywhere until 9. I feel bad for the girls who stand in front of the mirror for an entire hour examining every part of her body that moves when she jumps. every jiggle. every droop. i feel awful for the size 4  who cries when she hears that 0 is the new 2. because that  type of obsession is what makes people bitter and miserable. I wake up every day and haul all 200 lbs out of bed with a smile on my face. because i am who i am. and if you don't like it, then fuck off. i want girls in america to know that coco chanel is gone, and so should the horrible curse she brought be. Thin, believe it or not, is not in. confidence is. to be happy in life, and in yourself, is a trend that should never go out of style.

new shoes

so yesterday, as you all know, i purchased a car. now this said car was left in SLC and i went home to Ogden so that today my father could do a full tune up on it, to put it into tip top shape. so i have the task of taking my oh so favorite public transportation to SLC (about 45 minutes from my house by car) to pick up my new automobile. now let me digress. in order to purchase this automobile, i was in need of a lump sum of cash. thankfully the tax gods were on my side this year, because a hefty tax return is exactly what i got. so with this tax return i was able to purchase this said car, along with some other items that i love oh so much. one of which being this new computer from which i am posting this blog. another is the pair of shoes currently on my feet. these strappy turquoise sandals were such a steal of a deal that i also got them in yellow(go figure) now let me explain to you, in case you are unaware, that all new shoes much be broken in before being able to be worn comfortably. now don't feel dumb if you were unaware, because since it has been so long since i have purchased a new pair of shoes, i had forgotten this very important rule as well today. so as i strapped on my new sandals and walked to two miles to the nearest bus stop, i quickly learned the rule that I have irresponsibly forgotten. not only did i have to break in the new shoes the hard way, with a two mile walk, but i had left the house about ten minutes late due to Reagan's boss being a tad bit late to pick him up. so as i RAN the two miles to the bus stop, i was quite a bit concerned that either a: i would break my brand new strappy turquoise sandals, or that b: i would miss the bus and be late to picking up my car. luckily for me, yet again, the public transportation gods were on my side. as i ran, out of breath, the last yard to the bus stop, i saw the bus, coming my direction. so lucky. but then, the hard part....i needed that bus to make it from said bus stop, two towns over to the train station, in 15 minutes. that task alone, on a good day, takes 20 minutes. yet somehow, as the bus pulled into the Clearfield train station, and I saw the southbound train, in the distance, coming my direction, i couldn't help but smile. the good things that happened to me may seem a little bit silly to all of you.but my public transportation excursion today taught me a lesson, and a good one at that. life is about  staying positive. you cannot change what is meant to happen in the world, you can only change the way you react to it. i caught myself wondering if i would have been blessed with this lesson had i been one minute late to the bus or train. would i be stuck in that same rut i have been in for months now? the one where you feel like just about everything is out to get you? i wonder if that bad outcome would have shown me the same positive outlook. but i will never know. all i know is i feel blessed for today, and each day i am granted to walk this beautiful earth. i need to grow as a person. don't take stuff for granted. don't sweat the small stuff. never go to sleep angry, and never hurt the ones you love the most. these are lessons to live by, and i wish to do my best to live by them. i hope you all do the same. actum, amor, risum.

the wheels on the bus go round and round.

well ladies and gents. I did it. i bought a car. i  am just so excited that is all i have to say. i got a car. im mobile again. watch out slc, jessica is back in action!