at work

I arrived to work over an hour early today because ksl tells me that the storm of the century is right around the corner, and call me crazy but i do not want to drive in that. :) this blog is going to serve mostly as an update on life. i dont have anything to rant or rave about currently. life is just good. :) this past week or so i have been spending a lot of time with my friends and my family. my older sister has some very excited and fun news, but bloggers, i will let her tell you the details. I went and saw harry potter on friday with my family, ericka, and mr. jason russon. I had tons of fun other than jason falling asleep on my arm! but i love the boy so it was okay. ;) work is going awesome. My manager is the coolest guy ever, and he has almost as many tattoos as i do. we share in a lot of laughs and i can tell that we are gonna have a pretty awesome relationship! I have been spending a lot of time with erickas son ty, who has officially stolen my heart. I love that boy so much! christmas is coming and I am 90% done with all my christmas shopping, which is great. i feel like i have been a very productive human today! I donated thousands of clothes for a clothing drive this season, with the help of my awesome friend cassie pursell. that girl really goes all out when she sets her mind to something! thanks so much for all the help cass! as for me, i dont have my mind set on anything right now. I am taking things one day at a time, and having so much fun doing it! I love my job more than words can express, i am still staying strong *for the most part* to my diet and exercise routine. I finally get up and eat a healthy breakfast in the morning, which my personal trainer is very proud of. I am single, and not looking. I have so many awesome guy friends in my life right now, and i think i definitely need to keep it that way for a while. some people think im crazy for not dating, because i will be "alone on the holidays" but that statement is incredibly false. I have some many awesome loved ones that I will be with this holiday season. a wonderful family, amazing friends, and tons and tons of people who i love. i am such a happy girl readers. after living for two years thinking i needed someone to make me happy, i realized that the only person i need is myself. I finally have myself back. the real me. and I couldnt be happier.

daylight savings time

I figure since the clocks have decided to provide me with an extra hour on this fine evening, it is best that i use it in a productive manor! so, I write. life has been crazy busy lately so if by some off chance I have followers on this blog, I am sorry it has taken so long for me to write. I have established employment at 1-800 contacts in draper Utah, and it is an amazing job. they treat me so well there. employees really do get spoiled rotten and I feel so blessed to be given an opportunity to work for them. on top of an awesome job, they have also provided me with a gym to use and free personal training and nutrition guidence. I am strickly following a diet and work out routine and I am so excited to see the changes I can make! I have already started xmas shopping which makes me feel really productive considering I usually wait until december 20th to do that. I figured with only 3 more paychecks until xmas, its smart to get going now. I am also cleaning up my credit more and more everyday. working with some really helpful people and getting my life back on track. I feel amazing, readers. I am so pleased with where life is taking me and I know that I am finally back to being myself! no more negative influences in my life. I am surrounded by so much positivity lately that I can do no wrong! I have also started paying very close attention to my horoscope, which is helping to guide me through lifes daily struggles. I am reading more about becoming a successful human, a more powerful woman in the working world, and an all around more grounded person. all in all, I think I am making a ton of positive steps in the right direction, and I am proud of that. with time, great things will come.

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cut all ties

it is finally time for me to just do what is best for me. there are so many times over the past two years that I have compromised what I needed for what someone else wanted. and the truth is, as awful as it was, I do not regret any of it. I have learned so much about who I am. finally now I am able to be that person. I am now taking the steps to figure out not only what I need in order to make myself whole again, but what I want. for the first time in a very long time, I am able to make plans for my future, and mold it exactly how I want it. there will always be bumps along the way, and unpredictable moments. but that is what makes life interesting, isn't it? a few things that I promise will never happen again. #1. I promise to never miss the birth of my best friends child. #2. I promise to never sell my personal belongings to support a douchebags drug habit. #3. I promise to never abandon my family, friends, pets, and loved ones for a man who made me ruin my credit, go against my morals, drop my life for him, and all in all change everything about myself in a negative way. #4. I promise to never lose sight of what is important in life. I truly lost sight of that for a while. I know now, after 2 years, 2 breakups, 2000 fights, 1,000,000 tears, and a few dozen laughs, that no man is worth losing who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go. I have goals like you wouldn't believe, and after two years of pushing myself aside, I'm ready to make my life about me again. if I said I felt good about what happened, I would be lying, because I still feel sad and dumb everyday for what i did to the people who love me, all for a man who only loved himself, and even that love is questionable. but at the end of the day, I cut the tie. I will no longer be your puppet. I control my destiny now. watch out world.

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a new dawn

I am so very excited to be able to blog from my phone. I have been waiting for this day for a long time. and although typing on my phone is a real pain in the ass, jason says I just need practice. so here I go! life is going very very good lately. i am working very hard at my job at forever 21 and I am really loving it. my best friend ericka just started there too so now its really gonna be a blast. I am keeping very busy, which is what I really needed. emotionally, I am back to normal. the month has had some serious highs and serious lows, but all in all, I am truly starting to feel like myself again, and it feels amazing. there are still some unresolved issues that may never be fixed. but after many long and deep conversations, I think my mind is close to being at ease. I need to give some thanks to a lot of people. thank you to my family, for welcoming me back into your home in my time of need, and for never leaving my side. I truly have the greatest parents and sibilings in the world. thank you to my three best friends. ericka richards, cass pursell, and Tess Wilson. you three ladies have been there through thick and thin. through all my hurting and healing, I have had you by my side. words cannot express how greatful I am for the friendships I've built with you all. and lastly, to Reagan. thank you for showing me how important it is for me to love myself. this break up has showed me who I was before you, with you, and who I want to be after you. I have learned so much about who I want to be, and I learned a lot of it because of you. each day should be a new adventure, filled with fun and excitement. you set me free so I could make that happen, for myself. thank you. :)

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gotta be something more

first things first, to the blog hater. THANK YOU. i feel flattered that someone takes the time to read my  blog, and to take time out of their day to hate. your harsh words mean a lot more to you than they do to me.

next.

I am doing wonderful. Today was not as good as the past 2 have been, but it definitely had its ups. :) I ate breakfast (which NEVER happens) and went to work. work flew by. The rest of the day, other than seeing Cass, was rather mediocre. I felt a little tired and grumpy and really should have taken a nap. I took my little sister to the mall to buy a dress, because in one hour and 8 minutes, she will be 18. While at the mall, i was offered a job, which i am thinking of taking. That was another plus today.

so there is this boy........:)
he knows who he is, and he may be reading this....

he is too much of a good thing that it makes me nervous to look him in the face when i talk to him. he is a great friend, a total sweetheart, and one of the only people who have truly made me laugh lately. I feel so lost and confused about how to feel, because i am still damaged, and still healing. all i know for sure, is that while i am spending time with him, he makes me feel like im normal, and i feel like everything is going to be okay. nothing feels better lately than when we laugh at something totally stupid that i say. his laugh makes me laugh more, which makes him laugh more, and so on.  he is the definition of a genuine friend, and i feel blessed to have reconnected with him. No matter where life decides to take me in the near or distant future, one thing i know for sure is i have made a true friend, one that i hope i will not lose touch with again. he gives me butterflies, and makes life exciting. He came into my life at a time when i really needed something good, and he turned into something great. in the short time we have spent together so far he has opened my eyes to so many new ideas and a whole new way to live, and i appreciate that most of all. he is helping me find me again, which is something i have completely lost sight of........

THATS ENOUGH GUTS SPILLING!!

now, as i sit alone in my giant basement apartment thing, blogging in the dark with the sound of riding in cars with boys in the background, i find myself wondering what september will bring. August, 2010 was the hardest month i have had in quite a long time. I lost my job, had to change my relationship status on FB, moved a state away, back into my parents house, the list goes on and on. but the month has ended on such a good note, and I am so excited to see what september has in store. winter 2010, here i come!!


one last thing before i end this blog. i gotta give a shout out to my girl cassie. she is the greatest friend anyone could ask for! 10+ years of friendship and going strong. your my girl, cass. thank you for being you. :)

a lot has changed

I feel a tiny bit silly having to write this blog. although part of my mind feels embarassment for what happened to me, and for how quickly after my last blog it happened, i do feel like it needs to come out. its the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts. My last blog was posted august 9th at 12 noon. that day, I left to work, and was off around 10pm. When i got home, i brought food for my boyfriend and his mother. we ate, and his mother went to bed.....

I am not emotionally stable enough to go into detail about what happened over the next few hours. But the just of it is this. Reagan decided he was done, and that we were over. he stated many things that night. The ones that stuck out most in my mind were "i feel like if i wanna dump you, you wont let me" and "im 20 years old. i dont want to have to worry about anyone but myself" and also "i have my own problems. i dont need your problems too" and so on and so forth. I was a wreck. reagan left, and i packed all my stuff, alone. loading it into my 93 honda civic, putting my tv in the front seat instead of my boyfriend. I gave reagan the longest, saddest, most difficult hug I have ever had to give. I then drove 215 miles, from Burley Idaho to West Jordan Utah, in the middle of the night. it all happened so fast it is hard to believe. I got home at 10:30pm and was on the road by midnight. unbelieveable.

now here is the icing on the cake.....i drove 3 hours, between two states, in a car full of my belongings, on a one lane highway, in the middle of the night, in silence. my car had no stereo. SURPRISINGLY, it was the greatest drive i have ever had. I felt no stress, no pressure, no time schedule. I just drove. and although i had a set destination, I felt like i was on a road to no where, and it was exactly what i needed.

I did indeed sleep the entire next day. I did indeed wake up in tears, cry all day, fall asleep crying, and wake up sad. but within 48 hours, after a lot of talks, a lot of tears, and a lot of thoughts, i told my heart to take a rest and let my head take over. my body needed to listen to what my mind has been trying to say for about 8 months. I was so unhappy. Although i loved reagan more than anything in the entire world, he was not, and never will be the man that i need to make my life complete. and the thing is, ive felt this for a while. the problem is, I am a fixer. no matter how broken i know something is, I will never admit to myself that I cant fix it. and i knew long ago that what i had with reagan was broken. but it took him being honest with me to show me that it was beyond fixing it. my mind then opened up to all the good things reagan said to me that night. things like "you deserve to be happy with someone who can give you what you need" and "you are my best friend and i want to see you happy" and i realized how much he truely cared about me.

The truth is, Reagan is my best friend, and it will take time for that to change. Investing two years into one person makes it rather difficult to just let go and not look back. eventually, my heart will heal. eventually, i will know who jessica is again. but for now, im healing. I am finding my way, and I am taking it day by day.

Since that awful night on august 9th, 10 days before my birthday, I have moved back to west jordan. I am living with my amazing family who has been extremely helpful and supportive. I got a job at forever 21 at south towne mall, with the help of my amazing friend tessa. I have spend a lot of time with some amazing friends who really make me feel great. I celebrated my 20th birthday, attended some parties, and started talking to a very cute boy who treats me well. nothing serious, we are just talking. but he is a sweet heart. I am slowly but surely finding myself again. And for the first time in a long time, I am feeling truely and honestly happy. more to come bloggers.......

a new me

i am the type of person who needs order. although my room may be a total disaster, when it comes to my thoughts, i analyze everything. I need details upon details regarding how a certain situation will play out. so, with today being Monday, the beginning of the week, it is the perfect day for me to have a wake up call and a realization about who i am and the changes i need to make. i've decided today will be a new beginning. first off, i am going to start a weight loss plan. my goal is to lose 20 pounds by September 9th. that gives me one month. to go along with this, i will have a weight loss tracker attached to my blog, so we can all be aware of my progress! second, i am going to make a daily effort to process my actions before i make them. this may sound like a simple task for some, but for me it has proved difficult in the past. I am a good person. I wake up every day and do good for others. but good people make mistakes. and I am now in the process of fixing those mistakes that I have made. wish me luck!! oh, and one other thing....i dyed my hair blonde! tada!!