cut all ties

it is finally time for me to just do what is best for me. there are so many times over the past two years that I have compromised what I needed for what someone else wanted. and the truth is, as awful as it was, I do not regret any of it. I have learned so much about who I am. finally now I am able to be that person. I am now taking the steps to figure out not only what I need in order to make myself whole again, but what I want. for the first time in a very long time, I am able to make plans for my future, and mold it exactly how I want it. there will always be bumps along the way, and unpredictable moments. but that is what makes life interesting, isn't it? a few things that I promise will never happen again. #1. I promise to never miss the birth of my best friends child. #2. I promise to never sell my personal belongings to support a douchebags drug habit. #3. I promise to never abandon my family, friends, pets, and loved ones for a man who made me ruin my credit, go against my morals, drop my life for him, and all in all change everything about myself in a negative way. #4. I promise to never lose sight of what is important in life. I truly lost sight of that for a while. I know now, after 2 years, 2 breakups, 2000 fights, 1,000,000 tears, and a few dozen laughs, that no man is worth losing who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go. I have goals like you wouldn't believe, and after two years of pushing myself aside, I'm ready to make my life about me again. if I said I felt good about what happened, I would be lying, because I still feel sad and dumb everyday for what i did to the people who love me, all for a man who only loved himself, and even that love is questionable. but at the end of the day, I cut the tie. I will no longer be your puppet. I control my destiny now. watch out world.

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a new dawn

I am so very excited to be able to blog from my phone. I have been waiting for this day for a long time. and although typing on my phone is a real pain in the ass, jason says I just need practice. so here I go! life is going very very good lately. i am working very hard at my job at forever 21 and I am really loving it. my best friend ericka just started there too so now its really gonna be a blast. I am keeping very busy, which is what I really needed. emotionally, I am back to normal. the month has had some serious highs and serious lows, but all in all, I am truly starting to feel like myself again, and it feels amazing. there are still some unresolved issues that may never be fixed. but after many long and deep conversations, I think my mind is close to being at ease. I need to give some thanks to a lot of people. thank you to my family, for welcoming me back into your home in my time of need, and for never leaving my side. I truly have the greatest parents and sibilings in the world. thank you to my three best friends. ericka richards, cass pursell, and Tess Wilson. you three ladies have been there through thick and thin. through all my hurting and healing, I have had you by my side. words cannot express how greatful I am for the friendships I've built with you all. and lastly, to Reagan. thank you for showing me how important it is for me to love myself. this break up has showed me who I was before you, with you, and who I want to be after you. I have learned so much about who I want to be, and I learned a lot of it because of you. each day should be a new adventure, filled with fun and excitement. you set me free so I could make that happen, for myself. thank you. :)

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gotta be something more

first things first, to the blog hater. THANK YOU. i feel flattered that someone takes the time to read my  blog, and to take time out of their day to hate. your harsh words mean a lot more to you than they do to me.

next.

I am doing wonderful. Today was not as good as the past 2 have been, but it definitely had its ups. :) I ate breakfast (which NEVER happens) and went to work. work flew by. The rest of the day, other than seeing Cass, was rather mediocre. I felt a little tired and grumpy and really should have taken a nap. I took my little sister to the mall to buy a dress, because in one hour and 8 minutes, she will be 18. While at the mall, i was offered a job, which i am thinking of taking. That was another plus today.

so there is this boy........:)
he knows who he is, and he may be reading this....

he is too much of a good thing that it makes me nervous to look him in the face when i talk to him. he is a great friend, a total sweetheart, and one of the only people who have truly made me laugh lately. I feel so lost and confused about how to feel, because i am still damaged, and still healing. all i know for sure, is that while i am spending time with him, he makes me feel like im normal, and i feel like everything is going to be okay. nothing feels better lately than when we laugh at something totally stupid that i say. his laugh makes me laugh more, which makes him laugh more, and so on.  he is the definition of a genuine friend, and i feel blessed to have reconnected with him. No matter where life decides to take me in the near or distant future, one thing i know for sure is i have made a true friend, one that i hope i will not lose touch with again. he gives me butterflies, and makes life exciting. He came into my life at a time when i really needed something good, and he turned into something great. in the short time we have spent together so far he has opened my eyes to so many new ideas and a whole new way to live, and i appreciate that most of all. he is helping me find me again, which is something i have completely lost sight of........

THATS ENOUGH GUTS SPILLING!!

now, as i sit alone in my giant basement apartment thing, blogging in the dark with the sound of riding in cars with boys in the background, i find myself wondering what september will bring. August, 2010 was the hardest month i have had in quite a long time. I lost my job, had to change my relationship status on FB, moved a state away, back into my parents house, the list goes on and on. but the month has ended on such a good note, and I am so excited to see what september has in store. winter 2010, here i come!!


one last thing before i end this blog. i gotta give a shout out to my girl cassie. she is the greatest friend anyone could ask for! 10+ years of friendship and going strong. your my girl, cass. thank you for being you. :)

a lot has changed

I feel a tiny bit silly having to write this blog. although part of my mind feels embarassment for what happened to me, and for how quickly after my last blog it happened, i do feel like it needs to come out. its the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts. My last blog was posted august 9th at 12 noon. that day, I left to work, and was off around 10pm. When i got home, i brought food for my boyfriend and his mother. we ate, and his mother went to bed.....

I am not emotionally stable enough to go into detail about what happened over the next few hours. But the just of it is this. Reagan decided he was done, and that we were over. he stated many things that night. The ones that stuck out most in my mind were "i feel like if i wanna dump you, you wont let me" and "im 20 years old. i dont want to have to worry about anyone but myself" and also "i have my own problems. i dont need your problems too" and so on and so forth. I was a wreck. reagan left, and i packed all my stuff, alone. loading it into my 93 honda civic, putting my tv in the front seat instead of my boyfriend. I gave reagan the longest, saddest, most difficult hug I have ever had to give. I then drove 215 miles, from Burley Idaho to West Jordan Utah, in the middle of the night. it all happened so fast it is hard to believe. I got home at 10:30pm and was on the road by midnight. unbelieveable.

now here is the icing on the cake.....i drove 3 hours, between two states, in a car full of my belongings, on a one lane highway, in the middle of the night, in silence. my car had no stereo. SURPRISINGLY, it was the greatest drive i have ever had. I felt no stress, no pressure, no time schedule. I just drove. and although i had a set destination, I felt like i was on a road to no where, and it was exactly what i needed.

I did indeed sleep the entire next day. I did indeed wake up in tears, cry all day, fall asleep crying, and wake up sad. but within 48 hours, after a lot of talks, a lot of tears, and a lot of thoughts, i told my heart to take a rest and let my head take over. my body needed to listen to what my mind has been trying to say for about 8 months. I was so unhappy. Although i loved reagan more than anything in the entire world, he was not, and never will be the man that i need to make my life complete. and the thing is, ive felt this for a while. the problem is, I am a fixer. no matter how broken i know something is, I will never admit to myself that I cant fix it. and i knew long ago that what i had with reagan was broken. but it took him being honest with me to show me that it was beyond fixing it. my mind then opened up to all the good things reagan said to me that night. things like "you deserve to be happy with someone who can give you what you need" and "you are my best friend and i want to see you happy" and i realized how much he truely cared about me.

The truth is, Reagan is my best friend, and it will take time for that to change. Investing two years into one person makes it rather difficult to just let go and not look back. eventually, my heart will heal. eventually, i will know who jessica is again. but for now, im healing. I am finding my way, and I am taking it day by day.

Since that awful night on august 9th, 10 days before my birthday, I have moved back to west jordan. I am living with my amazing family who has been extremely helpful and supportive. I got a job at forever 21 at south towne mall, with the help of my amazing friend tessa. I have spend a lot of time with some amazing friends who really make me feel great. I celebrated my 20th birthday, attended some parties, and started talking to a very cute boy who treats me well. nothing serious, we are just talking. but he is a sweet heart. I am slowly but surely finding myself again. And for the first time in a long time, I am feeling truely and honestly happy. more to come bloggers.......

a new me

i am the type of person who needs order. although my room may be a total disaster, when it comes to my thoughts, i analyze everything. I need details upon details regarding how a certain situation will play out. so, with today being Monday, the beginning of the week, it is the perfect day for me to have a wake up call and a realization about who i am and the changes i need to make. i've decided today will be a new beginning. first off, i am going to start a weight loss plan. my goal is to lose 20 pounds by September 9th. that gives me one month. to go along with this, i will have a weight loss tracker attached to my blog, so we can all be aware of my progress! second, i am going to make a daily effort to process my actions before i make them. this may sound like a simple task for some, but for me it has proved difficult in the past. I am a good person. I wake up every day and do good for others. but good people make mistakes. and I am now in the process of fixing those mistakes that I have made. wish me luck!! oh, and one other thing....i dyed my hair blonde! tada!!

welcome back old friend.

not long ago, reagan witnessed an interesting sight. while driving down a road parallel to a train yard, he noticed a young girl and boy, no older than 25, in dirty clothes and mangled hair, hopping aboard a train not designated for passengers. although they probably had not clue where they were going, i have a feeling they didnt care. they were runaways. a modern day boxcar children. didnt know where they were going. all they new and that an adventure was waiting for them when they got there....

first and foremost. for anyone who has decided they have a good time reading my blog, im sorry that it has taken me a while to write. I have gone through so many life changes lately that i do not know where to begin. and as my birthday quickly approaches, i find myself going over the past year in my head, think about the good times, and forgiving myself for the bad. since i last wrote, i started, and ended a job for the united states census bureau. although the money was good, i was living far above my means and it was getting us no where but deeper and deeper in a hole. Reagan went though about 4 long and painful days of self discovery. during that time he decided that he was not proud of where he had let his life go for the past 7 years, and he was ready to turn in around. although he was blessed with an opportunity to apprentice at a tattoo shop, he learned quickly that as much as you may love something with everything that you have, that doesn't mean that it is the right thing for you. he discovered that even though for the rest of his life he will love the thought of becoming a tattoo artist, he knew that the career path was not logical and if he wanted to be a provider for himself and for me, as well as for our future, some changes needed to be made. and needless to say, we made them. after a few nights of tears, a trip to the hospital, and so suggestions from some very caring people, we made a decision to hop on the boxcar and be runaways. although we did not go far, our lives landed us in the town of Burley, Idaho. Population less than 10,000. although the change was drastic and maybe a little bit irrational, it was exactly what we needed. we both obtained jobs working minimum wage, reagan at maverik and I at pizza hut. we work hard every day to make enough money to pay our bills. but thats the thing...we actually pay them. we have been so humbled by the experience we were presented with. reagan bought a truck, makes a car payment, earns his own money, and pays his bills. he is living sober, happy, hard working lifestyle. i am so proud of him. and i myself have done a lot of learning while being up here as well. ive learned,  especially recently, that some things need to be kept to yourself. ive learned that social networking should be used to connect with lost friends, not to broadcast what you have that is better than anyone else. it was not created to put your personal life of blast, and then wait for someone to tell you how much they wish you were you. I have learned that i still have a lot of growing up to do. but being up here, more than anything else, has taught me to appreciate what i have been given, and easily forget what i havent. i have been so humbled by the experience up here. it was the greatest thing to ever happen to us. I have not regretted it for a second. as the world continues to throw me curve balls, i finally feel, for the first time in years, that ive got my glove up, and ready to catch whatever is being thrown at me. and that is a very good feeling. :)

living in Compton

well it has been a while since i have been able to blog. but i promise you i have a very good explanation as to why. and here it goes. not too long ago, with my taxes, i bought myself a netbook. we loved our little netbook. but then, the v button broke. and from there on out, it was hell to pay. we decided to return the netbook, and buy a used computer off of ksl, so that we could have some pocket money to last a while. so we returned the netbook, and bought an old school dell inspiron 1000 off of a nice gentleman on ksl. other than the computer being a little old, it was actually pretty sick. but then, it started running a little slow, and we decided that it wasnt for us. so we were going to re sale in online, and save some money, and buy another netbook. so i got a call from a blocked number (i know, i was stupid) who said he wanted to buy it. so i was so excited. so the next day, he called me and asked me if i could meet him. i decided that i could. i drove the 50 miles from ogden to slc to meet him in a nice public location, carls jr in sugarhouse. so i pull up to the front of the building where he is standing, and i walk around to the passanger side of the car to get the computer out for him. he attempts to push past me to grab it. i simply say "excuse me sir, i will grab it for you." then shit got crazy. the man pushed me to the ground, grabbed the computer, and ran away. as he turned to run he dropped fake money. i saw the fake money and got up, and started running after him, yelling "get your ass back here mother fu**er im gonna kill you!!" after a minute, he ran down an alley and i lost him, and i also didnt wanna keep going and risk getting shot. so i turned and ran back to my car. i called the police and filed a report. it is a work in progress now. so bloggers, i have officially been mugged. check that off the list of to dos. :)