I feel a tiny bit silly having to write this blog. although part of my mind feels embarassment for what happened to me, and for how quickly after my last blog it happened, i do feel like it needs to come out. its the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts. My last blog was posted august 9th at 12 noon. that day, I left to work, and was off around 10pm. When i got home, i brought food for my boyfriend and his mother. we ate, and his mother went to bed.....
I am not emotionally stable enough to go into detail about what happened over the next few hours. But the just of it is this. Reagan decided he was done, and that we were over. he stated many things that night. The ones that stuck out most in my mind were "i feel like if i wanna dump you, you wont let me" and "im 20 years old. i dont want to have to worry about anyone but myself" and also "i have my own problems. i dont need your problems too" and so on and so forth. I was a wreck. reagan left, and i packed all my stuff, alone. loading it into my 93 honda civic, putting my tv in the front seat instead of my boyfriend. I gave reagan the longest, saddest, most difficult hug I have ever had to give. I then drove 215 miles, from Burley Idaho to West Jordan Utah, in the middle of the night. it all happened so fast it is hard to believe. I got home at 10:30pm and was on the road by midnight. unbelieveable.
now here is the icing on the cake.....i drove 3 hours, between two states, in a car full of my belongings, on a one lane highway, in the middle of the night, in silence. my car had no stereo. SURPRISINGLY, it was the greatest drive i have ever had. I felt no stress, no pressure, no time schedule. I just drove. and although i had a set destination, I felt like i was on a road to no where, and it was exactly what i needed.
I did indeed sleep the entire next day. I did indeed wake up in tears, cry all day, fall asleep crying, and wake up sad. but within 48 hours, after a lot of talks, a lot of tears, and a lot of thoughts, i told my heart to take a rest and let my head take over. my body needed to listen to what my mind has been trying to say for about 8 months. I was so unhappy. Although i loved reagan more than anything in the entire world, he was not, and never will be the man that i need to make my life complete. and the thing is, ive felt this for a while. the problem is, I am a fixer. no matter how broken i know something is, I will never admit to myself that I cant fix it. and i knew long ago that what i had with reagan was broken. but it took him being honest with me to show me that it was beyond fixing it. my mind then opened up to all the good things reagan said to me that night. things like "you deserve to be happy with someone who can give you what you need" and "you are my best friend and i want to see you happy" and i realized how much he truely cared about me.
The truth is, Reagan is my best friend, and it will take time for that to change. Investing two years into one person makes it rather difficult to just let go and not look back. eventually, my heart will heal. eventually, i will know who jessica is again. but for now, im healing. I am finding my way, and I am taking it day by day.
Since that awful night on august 9th, 10 days before my birthday, I have moved back to west jordan. I am living with my amazing family who has been extremely helpful and supportive. I got a job at forever 21 at south towne mall, with the help of my amazing friend tessa. I have spend a lot of time with some amazing friends who really make me feel great. I celebrated my 20th birthday, attended some parties, and started talking to a very cute boy who treats me well. nothing serious, we are just talking. but he is a sweet heart. I am slowly but surely finding myself again. And for the first time in a long time, I am feeling truely and honestly happy. more to come bloggers.......
weight loss!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
a new me
i am the type of person who needs order. although my room may be a total disaster, when it comes to my thoughts, i analyze everything. I need details upon details regarding how a certain situation will play out. so, with today being Monday, the beginning of the week, it is the perfect day for me to have a wake up call and a realization about who i am and the changes i need to make. i've decided today will be a new beginning. first off, i am going to start a weight loss plan. my goal is to lose 20 pounds by September 9th. that gives me one month. to go along with this, i will have a weight loss tracker attached to my blog, so we can all be aware of my progress! second, i am going to make a daily effort to process my actions before i make them. this may sound like a simple task for some, but for me it has proved difficult in the past. I am a good person. I wake up every day and do good for others. but good people make mistakes. and I am now in the process of fixing those mistakes that I have made. wish me luck!! oh, and one other thing....i dyed my hair blonde! tada!!
welcome back old friend.
not long ago, reagan witnessed an interesting sight. while driving down a road parallel to a train yard, he noticed a young girl and boy, no older than 25, in dirty clothes and mangled hair, hopping aboard a train not designated for passengers. although they probably had not clue where they were going, i have a feeling they didnt care. they were runaways. a modern day boxcar children. didnt know where they were going. all they new and that an adventure was waiting for them when they got there....
first and foremost. for anyone who has decided they have a good time reading my blog, im sorry that it has taken me a while to write. I have gone through so many life changes lately that i do not know where to begin. and as my birthday quickly approaches, i find myself going over the past year in my head, think about the good times, and forgiving myself for the bad. since i last wrote, i started, and ended a job for the united states census bureau. although the money was good, i was living far above my means and it was getting us no where but deeper and deeper in a hole. Reagan went though about 4 long and painful days of self discovery. during that time he decided that he was not proud of where he had let his life go for the past 7 years, and he was ready to turn in around. although he was blessed with an opportunity to apprentice at a tattoo shop, he learned quickly that as much as you may love something with everything that you have, that doesn't mean that it is the right thing for you. he discovered that even though for the rest of his life he will love the thought of becoming a tattoo artist, he knew that the career path was not logical and if he wanted to be a provider for himself and for me, as well as for our future, some changes needed to be made. and needless to say, we made them. after a few nights of tears, a trip to the hospital, and so suggestions from some very caring people, we made a decision to hop on the boxcar and be runaways. although we did not go far, our lives landed us in the town of Burley, Idaho. Population less than 10,000. although the change was drastic and maybe a little bit irrational, it was exactly what we needed. we both obtained jobs working minimum wage, reagan at maverik and I at pizza hut. we work hard every day to make enough money to pay our bills. but thats the thing...we actually pay them. we have been so humbled by the experience we were presented with. reagan bought a truck, makes a car payment, earns his own money, and pays his bills. he is living sober, happy, hard working lifestyle. i am so proud of him. and i myself have done a lot of learning while being up here as well. ive learned, especially recently, that some things need to be kept to yourself. ive learned that social networking should be used to connect with lost friends, not to broadcast what you have that is better than anyone else. it was not created to put your personal life of blast, and then wait for someone to tell you how much they wish you were you. I have learned that i still have a lot of growing up to do. but being up here, more than anything else, has taught me to appreciate what i have been given, and easily forget what i havent. i have been so humbled by the experience up here. it was the greatest thing to ever happen to us. I have not regretted it for a second. as the world continues to throw me curve balls, i finally feel, for the first time in years, that ive got my glove up, and ready to catch whatever is being thrown at me. and that is a very good feeling. :)
first and foremost. for anyone who has decided they have a good time reading my blog, im sorry that it has taken me a while to write. I have gone through so many life changes lately that i do not know where to begin. and as my birthday quickly approaches, i find myself going over the past year in my head, think about the good times, and forgiving myself for the bad. since i last wrote, i started, and ended a job for the united states census bureau. although the money was good, i was living far above my means and it was getting us no where but deeper and deeper in a hole. Reagan went though about 4 long and painful days of self discovery. during that time he decided that he was not proud of where he had let his life go for the past 7 years, and he was ready to turn in around. although he was blessed with an opportunity to apprentice at a tattoo shop, he learned quickly that as much as you may love something with everything that you have, that doesn't mean that it is the right thing for you. he discovered that even though for the rest of his life he will love the thought of becoming a tattoo artist, he knew that the career path was not logical and if he wanted to be a provider for himself and for me, as well as for our future, some changes needed to be made. and needless to say, we made them. after a few nights of tears, a trip to the hospital, and so suggestions from some very caring people, we made a decision to hop on the boxcar and be runaways. although we did not go far, our lives landed us in the town of Burley, Idaho. Population less than 10,000. although the change was drastic and maybe a little bit irrational, it was exactly what we needed. we both obtained jobs working minimum wage, reagan at maverik and I at pizza hut. we work hard every day to make enough money to pay our bills. but thats the thing...we actually pay them. we have been so humbled by the experience we were presented with. reagan bought a truck, makes a car payment, earns his own money, and pays his bills. he is living sober, happy, hard working lifestyle. i am so proud of him. and i myself have done a lot of learning while being up here as well. ive learned, especially recently, that some things need to be kept to yourself. ive learned that social networking should be used to connect with lost friends, not to broadcast what you have that is better than anyone else. it was not created to put your personal life of blast, and then wait for someone to tell you how much they wish you were you. I have learned that i still have a lot of growing up to do. but being up here, more than anything else, has taught me to appreciate what i have been given, and easily forget what i havent. i have been so humbled by the experience up here. it was the greatest thing to ever happen to us. I have not regretted it for a second. as the world continues to throw me curve balls, i finally feel, for the first time in years, that ive got my glove up, and ready to catch whatever is being thrown at me. and that is a very good feeling. :)
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