A year later, as usual..

It's been exactly one year  to the day since I last filled my blog with thoughts. How strange that today is the day I decide to pull it up. Today is rough, much like this last year has been. A new friend told me today "do something for yourself. You like to write. So write it down. Let it out". I'm now eternity grateful for this friend, because I can already tell this is exactly what I need.

Where to start...

Roughly a year ago, I started what was supposed to be a casual fling with a long time "hookup" but it quickly turned into something neither of us was ready for. We fell in love, and my god we fell hard. He moved in weeks later, and man, I was hooked on loving him. He became my air. Happiness was being near him. Hearing him breathe while he slept. Seeing him smile at my dumb jokes. Watching him love my beautiful pup. All of these things and much much more. He was mine, and I was overjoyed.

I never believed in "the honeymoon stage" that everyone talks about. I believed that true love never got old. It never became stagnant or hard. It just felt good to feel good and you felt it forever. But man was I wrong. Because nothing lasts forever. Whatever drug you choose to use, the high only lasts so long, and holy shit the come down hurts. Love was my drug. Coleman Baldwin Hartley was my heroin.

Is my heroin.


Good turned bad and bad turned worse. We fought every day over things I now realize I never even cared about.  We saw nothing the same way. I was consistently lead to believe that my feelings were wrong, my views were stupid, and my efforts were futile. I don't think he ever intended to hurt me. I know that he loved me. Loves me. But he hurt me, in a way I didn't know existed.  I was called names, I was degraded, talked down to, and often times felt more like an object than a person. My friends and family spent months telling me I deserved better, because they watched or relationship from afar and hurt for me when I wouldn't allow myself to realize how much I was being hurt. I cared so much for this man, that it took months for me to realize.

Going into details isn't going to do anything good for me, and the tears running down my face are already making this difficult to write. I'll press on...

I reached a point where I hated being at work, for I was constantly fearing for his life, but I hated the thought of going home and immediately being surrounded by the sadness and depression. My room even smelled sad. Getting in my car and going home every day pushed me into a crazy intense panic attack. I was terrified of what I would face. What kind of a day was he having? Would I cry today? Would I go to bed mad again?  I was scared to complain about my problems, because his were so much worse or something. I realize now how unfair that is. Problems are problems. And my biggest problem was him. I drank too much to mask the pain. I stopped seeing my family, my friends, I lost my routine and lost total sight of who I was.

Sometimes I blame myself. I wonder about how things would have been different if I'd made different choices. I should have stopped being a bitch and just picked him up that night. Then he wouldn't have driven his car, drunk, into another car stopped at a train track. He wouldn't have gone to jail, wouldn't have lost his van, and wouldn't hate his life so much. This was the turning point in the relationship. The moment when things got really really bad. I have to constantly stop myself from thinking like this, because it tears me down so much.

I spent the last two months of our relationship hinting to  him how unhappy I was. Part of me did it hoping he'd dump me so I didn't have to dump him. A bigger part of me did it hoping he loved me enough to realize I was miserable, and try harder to make me happy. Less name calling,  more love.

I really wish the latter was the result   No such luck.

The break up happened on a Monday night. Argument ensued, name calling continued, and by the third "crazy fat bitch" remark, I'd had my fill. I kicked him out of my car, and immediately called my dad on my drive home and asked him to come over. I was terrified cole would come back and hurt me. My dad showed up with a gun and stayed for a few hours until I felt safe to send him home.

If I was smart, it would have ended there. But if there's one thing I've learned about this, it's that when it comes to love, I'm anything but smart. The next month was a blur of late night pick ups and sleep overs and eventually, he was staying at my house every night again. I knew it was temporary, because he had plans to skip town. Within the month.

It was two days before he left town that I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't tell him.  I couldn't tell anyone. I was sad and terrified and baffled. I was on the pill. I was single. The man I love no longer wants me.  What was  I supposed to do?!

I took him to the airport on a Sunday night. Spent the entire night crying. Spent the entire next day at work crying. I was a total wreck. So I told him. He was gone, it was time he knew.  He reacted non chalantly which I guess I expected. It hurt a lot, but that's nothing new. Pain has become all too familiar in my life.

Blighted ovum. Dead baby. Look it up.



Where do I go from here? How do I escape this nagging pain? The pain that covers every inch of my body? My heart, my head, my bones, my soul. Literally, everything hurts. I've run out of tears to cry. All I feel is defeat.

People think I'm insane. I was with this man less than a year. He hurt me so much, I deserve so much better, blah blah BLAH!

there's no way for me to explain love for people to understand. It's an indescribable feeling. It can give you everything you ever thought you'd need to be happy, and seconds later, it can take it all away. I'm empty.  I'm exhausted. Yet still, I love him so much. So much so that it hurts to breathe. I just want one more hug. One more kiss. To touch his face one more time. His soul is wrapped into mine and when he's not around, I feel incomplete. We're spinning and spinning and life is moving so quickly and I can't catch my breath. I can't focus on anything but loving him. Loving someone who chose to leave. All that remains is his dog, his toothbrush, and his scent on my pillows. I've lost everything else. Even the memories become fuzzy sometimes. That's the worst part.

I really hope all this pain is part of healing. To be continued. ..

I used to be a blogger

Isn't it funny how time slips away from you? Here it is, July of 2014, and I haven't blogged in nearly two years. It feels like just yesterday I was telling you all about all the silly things I was doing or wanting to do. My life, apparently, lost direction for a bit, because I love to write and I haven't done so in what feels like forever.

Since my last post, there are hundreds of adventures and events that I could tell you about, but then we would be here for another 18 months. haha! So, let me give you a break down of the basics.

I've been spending the past few years (2010-current) with my best friend Mitch. He is the greatest friend i've ever known, and though I met him when I was 8, I don't know how I went this long without being so close to him. He is seriously my other half. He has a beautiful girlfriend who I love to the moon and back, and I am so happy that they are happy together!

Next, my amazingly beautiful family. My momma and daddy are doing wonderful. I moved out of their basement (finally) about a year ago, which gave dad the option to finally make his basement the pool hall/game room he wanted! Nikki is blossoming into the 21 year old party girl I always knew she would be, but she still maintains her moral ground and works hard for her money. Melissa and Matt and beautiful baby Olivia are amazing. Olivia is not such a baby anymore! We are just 20 days away from her 3rd birthday! She is so full of kindness and personality and I am so proud of how well Melissa and Matt are raising her.

Now that I am living on my own, a lot has changed for me! I am living downtown with my amazing roommate Nathan, who grew up in my parent's neighborhood with me. He is the greatest roommate I have ever lived with, and I could not be any happier. I have adopted a beautiful little dog, Marley, and she is the love of my life. She is a 5 year old chihuahua and the sweetest little thing in the world. The bond that her and I have developed is the most amazing and unexplainable thing in the world. She is my soulmate.

In more recent news, after four years of working hard for a company who didn't appreciate me, I finally made the decision to find a job that better appreciates my goals in life, and my hard work. I started a new career with a company called CSS. I am on day two, and already I can really really see the growth potential for me here. My hard work and knowledge will be appreciated very much, and the room for growth is huge.


All in all, I can say I am happy with my life. So many things are changing every day and sometimes I have a hard time keeping up, but the rush of living is amazing. I am alone on this journey, for now, but I know I won't be forever. Life throws your curve balls when you lease expect it, and its your job to always have your bat ready to knock em out of the park. Do your best, fight like hell, live wild and free, and know that in the end, the only person you need to impress is yourself.

Signing off for now, but i'll be back soon..


Jess

a million years later...

What the hell have I been doing for seven months?! NOT BLOGGING! which is a total bummer because I love to blog. Well, here I am, trying to play catch up with the blogging world. My last post was in regards to my major and scary kidney surgery that happened in February. Since then, here is how my spring/summer played out.

Cinco De Mayo Party: Had a group of awesome friends over for some delicious food and margaritas, followed by beer pong and a camp fire. This party was a total blast, and everyone loved it.

Next, Country Jam!: Me and my best friend Mitch Martin took a little trip to Grand Junction, CO where we got to spend the weekend with his sister, and got to see the amazing country jam shows! 

After returning from Colorado, I was rushed back into the emergency room for another kidney surgery. This one was outpatient, and I was able to go home the same day. Still hurt like a bitch though! 

Next, My beautiful niece Olivia turned 1!!: We have a delightful cupcake party in my parents backyard, and liv had a total blast! 

I still cannot believe she is so old and big already! She is talking and walking and says my name which i absolutely love. 

Throughout the summer, I went camping, to Lava Hot Springs with Mitch, the state fair with the family, had tons of car trouble, drank too much, played on a softball league, and went to tons of outdoor concerts with friends. Summer was wayyyy too much fun. 

August is next, which was my birthday, and my best friend cassie's birthday. Her, I, and a couple other friends took a trip to wendover for her big 21st. we had such a blast, and I cannot wait to go again! 

For my birthday, we went to Joes Crab Shack for dinner, and then went out to my favorite little dive bar and drank all our problems away! Even my older sister melissa came, which made me so very happy! She never comes out! 

my birthday at joes

fun bus to wendover

on our way to the bus!

October was Halloween, my brother in law's birthday, and a ton of fun! I went to the pumpkin patch with my sister and niece, trick or treated as a "tree" on Halloween, and attended a party as a cave woman with my best friend Mitch. All in all, Halloween was a total blast. 

As of current, I am still employed full time at 1-800 Contacts, and have been there for over two years now. I am also a server now at the all mighty joes crab shack, and I nanny a sweet little girl named kylie every day after school. life is extremely busy, and i hardly have time for fun anymore. However, the little fun that I do have, is the best. I have some of the most amazing friends and greatest family of all time, and I am seriously so blessed. 

Thanks for catching up on my life. Thats all for now. I will try to update more often, if I find the time! 

Kidney Surgery

Since I was 13, I have suffered with kidney problems. whether it be stones, infections, random pains, there is always something going on with my kidney. In 2009, I had a lithotripsy procedure done at Mckay Dee Hospital in Ogden, Utah. There used ultrasonic waves to break up a 12 MM stone. For those of you who are not good at converting numbers, that is about half of an inch. The procedure was done on my left kidney, and I was able to go home the same day. I did not have insurance so the surgery was paid for out of pocket.

Two years later, in January of 2012, i was rushed into the emergency room with extreme kidney pain, and was asked to follow up with Dr. Putman, a urologist at IMC in Murray. My creatinine was high, and my kidney function was low. At my follow up, they told me I had a stone, the size of a large grape (2-3 inches) that had attached itself to the lining of my kidney. they told me it has been there since 2007, and no one has told me about it before this date. Now, I have insurance, and suddenly they think they should take it out. Because they let it grow for five years, it is too large to perform the same lithotripsy procedure, and they must do a nephrolithotomy. this is a procedure where they make an incision through your back, generally below your lowest rib, and remove the stone. The kidney is filled with fluid and then drained through a nephrostomy tube, which is left in your back for a few days after the surgery. This tube is also used to drain any additional stones or fragments that are left over. When the tube is removed, the skin will heal itself naturally, usually within 1-2 weeks.

With my surgery, almost all of this was normal, and there were no real problems. However, when Dr. Putman entered my kidney, he did not realize how much the stone had grown into the tissue of my kidney. When the kidney was filled with fluid, which they also did to try and break the stone free from the kidney, there was hardly any kidney tissue left, and my kidney ruptured. This sounds more frightening than it is, but it made me, my family, and especially dr. putman nervous for a moment. He was able to drain all the extra fluid, and remove the entire stone. A CT scan will later show that there was not a single fragment left behind. The ruptured kidney will heal itself and no additional stitches are necessary. It did however making the healing process feel extremely slow and painful. I had a two night, three day stay in the hospital, and was able to come home with no nephrostomy tube.

Since then, my incision is completely healed, other than a little scar tissue. I had a bad reaction to the medical tape that was used to dress my incision, so the surrounding skin on my back was raw for about a week, and that is still healing. Other than a few minor back spasms due to healing back muscles, i feel completely like myself again. before the surgery, i could not even have a beer watching football without feeling pain for the rest of the day. Last night, for the first time since I turned 21, i was able to have drinks with friends, feel no pain that night, and woke up today feeling great as well! I am so excited to move forward with a more healthy lifestyle and to feel great from here on out. They doctor was able to analyze the acid based stone, and prescribed a medication that will prevent and dissolve them in the future. :)

just thought id share

I took this survey for my sisters family relationships class, and I found my answers quite interested when i finally let go and was completely honest. Figured i'd share.

Q: What is the best thing about being single?
A: As you know, I am an advocate of living the single life, after being in a dysfunctional relationship for 2+ years. The reason I enjoy it so much is because I have the freedom to always make decisions on my own, and base my life choices on what is best for me, and me alone. I am strong and independent and I enjoy being able to take care of myself without depending on another to do so for me, or for me to take care of them.

Q: What is the worst thing about being single?
A: The inability to have sex whenever I want.(because im not a hoe)  HAHA. I’m serious.

Q: What are some of your expectations of marriage and how it will be?
A: At this point in my life, I see marriage as a legal way for men to force women into doing their dirty work. I am anti marriage, because I am too selfish to care for anyone other than myself. Though my thoughts may change, this is the honest truth at this point in my life. I think marriage is constricting, degrading, and old fashioned.

Q: What does it mean to you to be emotionally healthy?
A: I think that emotionally healthy people are the type of people who are self sufficient, and who have genuine love for themselves. Everyone is crazy and emotional at times. It is not just girls, and not just at a certain time each month. There will always be situations in life where people will seem to act a bit “unstable” with their emotions. However, to have a rounded perspective on yourself and life, and to be able to analyze and solve standard life situations without the constant breakdown, is my definitely of emotional stability.

Q: Why do you think some marriages don’t work?
A: I think the main reason that marriages do not work is because of the constricting forcefulness of the situation as a whole. Marriage, in my eyes, in agreed upon in one of two ways. Example 1, a man and a woman have been dating for __ amount of time, and girl (who may or may not be insane) decides she simply cannot continue to be with this man without a “commitment” so she offers an ultimatum, or in not so many words, tricks and or forces the man into marrying her. Example Two: Man and woman have been dating for __ amount of time, and man has become annoyed at the fact that after said amount of time, woman does not fulfill every need his lazy self may have. So, man asks woman to marry him, in hopes that she will not only contribute to the bills, but cook, clean, push 8 pound creatures out of her body, and rub his feet at the end of the day. Women, being hopeless romantics, generally accept the request, because of example 1, the desire for a real commitment.

Q: Why do you think some marriages succeeded?
A: In some magical world where 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages DON’T end in divorce, marriage works because of lies. It is not human nature to be in love with one person, or attracted to one person, for the rest of their lives. As in the movie “Valentine’s Day” where the old couple has been together for 50+ years, and seem so ridiculously happy, only to find out that infidelity buried itself in their relationship for many many years. True love is a lie.

Q: What is the definition of a healthy relationship?
A: Freedom

.

Q: What do you find most attractive in a partner?
A: Other than the obvious beards, dreadlocks, and Australian accents. I am attracted to trust. Trust for me to be free, independent, etc .

Q: Can you tell me about your last break up? How did it happen? Who initiated it? Why did you break up?
A: I was in a relationship for over two years, and we both tried to end it multiple times. I was addicted to the idea of being in a relationship, and he was addicted to me taking care of him, and to drugs. We fought every day, and were extremely miserable. I tried many times to end it, but was guilt tripped into staying with him for a long time. Eventually, we were both sick of it. Technically, he ended it. I left, drove 200 miles from our home in Idaho to my parent’s home in West Jordan. He called me three days later and tried to get back with me. I decided against it because I was finally far enough away to be able to break my addiction to him, for good. I thank god every day that he set me free. 

baskets and buckets and bowls of it.

I am at a time in my life where I think it is time for me to make a bucket list. To those who don't know, a bucket list is a compiled list of things that you want to do before you die. They can be reasonable, or totally out there. It is hard me to compile a list like this, for a rather simple reason. I order lunch and don't want it by the time lunch rolls around. I dye my hair a certain color, only while I try decide what other color to dye it. I same money to spend money. Long story short, I change my mind too much, and I am all over the place these days. I can't decide whether or not it is a good or bad thing at this point. On one side, I feel good knowing that I don't take life too seriously, because I am so young. But on the other end, I see the people around me, and wonder if I am falling behind the pack. Granted, I have done my fair share of learning, mistake making, changing, changing back, regret, happiness, sadness, so on, and so forth. I've lived a life beyond my years in a lot of ways, and I have made a lot of changes. But in some ways, I have a hard time seeing whether I have made a step forward or a step back from where I was this time two years ago. Granted, I was 19 this time two years ago. I was in a relationship with a man who I thought I would spend my life with, I was trying to have kids, and I was down the road to nowhere fast. We lived a life of losers, and put fake smiles on our faces everyday to hide our hate for each other. We were unemployed, uninteresting, unmotivated, uneducated, and unpredictable. That last one was the most fun though. We didn't take anyone's shit, and we did what we wanted. Granted, we couldn't pay our rent, and we sold kittens online to support our habits. I cannot say I miss that part. I look back on that, and compare to where I am now. Been at a job for 14+ months, making a steady income every two weeks, digging myself slowing but surely out of the hole of debt that Reagan and I dug ourselves into. I guess he had a ladder, because he got out just fine, and i'm stuck building stairs out of fallen leaves. it will take me years to establish myself again, and to become a profitable member of society, but I'm doing it, and i'm doing it on my own. Now, all these things sound great, but life isn't all roses and butterflies. I live at home, in the basement of my parents house (barf) and I hate admitting that. I moved out a month after I graduated to live with my boyfriend. Since then, I've moved 10 times. West Jordan to parents to Rose Park #1 to Rose Park #2, back to the parents, then to Lehi, Ogden, Washington Terrace, Idaho, and once again, back to my parents house. I've been here for 16 months, which makes me happy and sad. On one end, I am the glue that holds this house together a lot of the time. I keep things moving smoothly over all the potholes of the Wilson family life. Also, living in this house has given me a wonderful opportunity to pay off my debt. The leaves fall faster and build stairs better when you don't spend them on rent. But living at home makes me feel like such a child. "Come on over, Friends! Yep, same house we came to after Homecoming Sophomore year." REALLY?! Not cool. I'm 21 years old, dammit! Out of all my friends, I am the only one who is single. 100% freaking single. I don't want to complain, because I am happy. I love answering to no one but myself. I hate dating, I hate commitment, and the last relationship I had was two years of hell, so why have a desire to be with someone? Simple answer. I don't. But I don't like being the friend who isn't invited to certain events simply because I will be the only one without a +1. ANNOYING! I am a 3 time college drop out. I have friends that are damn close to graduation! COLLEGE GRADUATION! I feel like I just graduated high school. Don't worry, it was almost 4 years ago! GOD I'M OLD! Anyways, this has turned into quite the rant, haha. Long story short, I have done a lot of growing, and still have so much growing to do. This is the reason for my Bucket List. There are so many things I want to do before I die, and now that I have taken up recreational smoking, i've lost about 5 years of bucket list fun, so I better get started. I'm 21, that's half way to 42, which is half way to 84. Meaning my life is 1/4th over. I am not okay with that. Time to get a move on! So here it is...my Bucket List.

• Spend at least a week on every continent. 
• Marry an Australian
• Go streaking
• Kiss Robert Downy Jr
• Beat up a grown man 
• Successfully fulfill a genius scam
• Pay cash for a brand new car
• Own a loft apartment above a coffee shop
• Hug Jerry Seinfeld
• Visit the "Seinfeld" Coffee Shop
• Live in Seattle
• Wrestle a Croc
• Play guitar with the Zac Brown Band
• Buy one of everything at Forever 21
• Build a VW Bug with my father
• Own and ride a motorcycle
• Grow a beard (Im serious!)
• Be honestly and truly known by my neighbors as the "Crazy Cat Lady"
• Publish a book
• Fit in a size 3 jean
• Take a cruise
• Spend a year with the Peace Corp.
• Shave my head
• Swim with the sharks
• Buy Olivia her first car <3
• Obtain a Masters in PR
• Work in New York for Balenciaga
• Design a clothing line
• Invent a TV that has a button to page your remote, similar to paging a cordless phone (genius, I know)
• Be 100% out of debt
• Dig up real Stego bones
• Skydiving
• Parasailing near the Jurasic Park Island
• Buy a star, and name it Olivia
• Be a successful stand up comic
• Hike Mt. Everest
• Find a man who can put up with me
• Adopt a child
• Own a successful PR Firm
• Write a beautiful One Hit Wonder type of song
• Delete my Facebook
• Go on a Safari
• Jump off a waterfall
• Ride in the top of a double decker bus
• Drive the Autobahn
• Live with no regrets
• Forgive myself for my mistakes
• Meet one of the remaining Beatles.
• Buy Mel and Matt a house
• Start a Beach Boys cover band
• Be homeless in Venice
• Sleep on the beach
• Buy my parents a home
• Sex on the beach
• Steal a statue
• Have a night in Vegas that should stay there. ;)

I will be adding to this list as more things come to mind. As you can see, some are rather achievable, and some are ridiculous. But I want to do them all, and hope that I will. :) 

This blog may have been the rant of the year. Good thing I saved it for December. This year has been nuts, and I cannot believe it's almost over. If I don't see you until then, Marry Christmas bloggers. I love you all <3

the sanctity of marriage...

today i am going to write about a topic that i feel very strongly about. there are a lot of things in life i don't understand or believe in. true and everlasting love happens to be one of them. I personally cannot see myself ever settling down, and being with one person for the rest of my life. I am too much of an handful myself, and i change my hair as often as most people change their socks. I think that there are a lot of people in the world who ruin the idea of a perfect marriage. people who have "open relationships" who find it okay to cheat on their spouses. people who get married and divorced after nine hours, or even after 72 days. the concept of marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment to someone. for better or worse. divorce is messy and mean and neither side wins. I will never understand why people choose to marry someone for money, stability, or a moment of happiness. I can achieve all of those things on my own. It is slack jaws like Kim Kardashian and Brittany Spears who ruin my idea of a beautiful life long commitment to someone.


now let me ask you this....why do we find it alright to love these celebrities, and to give them chance after chance whenever they decide they want to marry someone, but we terrorize and scrutinize people who want to spend their lives together, for better or worse, in the eyes of the law and the lord, just because they have the same genitals?!

I spoke with a customer a few months ago who ran a christian church in southern Texas. He met his soul mate while working on the Reagan campaign in the early 80's. They were separated for 20 years before finally meeting again, this time while both working on the Obama campaign. They knew, after all this time, that there was no one else in the world for them. Neither of them had a single partner or relationship for 20 years, because they knew they found true love. Now, these two MEN are happily committed to each other, and running an open minded christian church. THIS, is what I call true love.

I read a story online about two weeks ago, and the story was about two men who have been in love for 40 years, married in the eyes of themselves and their families. Never cheated on one another, because they know they have found their eternal partner, in life and death. They have subjected themselves to hate and ridicule for  their entire lives, all for love. now, who wants to sit here and tell me that people choose to put themselves through that hell? you can shut the hell up if you think that.

I am a straight female, and will never understand the idea of true love. But these men and women do. so leave them the hell alone, and learn something from them. true love has no boundaries. black, white, male, female, whatever! These people know love, and all the hate you feel in your heart for them, makes me realize that you haters will NEVER understand the idea of true love.